I'm just going to warn you don't read any further if you want to read about sunshine and roses because that is not what you are going to get today. I have had a blog post on my heart for the last couple days that is positive and hopeful...a "preparing my field" kind of post. For those of you who have watched Facing the Giants you will know what I am talking about. That post will come but not tonight.
It has not been the best day for me and frankly the last couple of days have been rough. Of course if you were to look at me everything would seem fine (btw I despise the word "fine" just ask my husband if you don't believe me). I have gone about my days "appearing" that everything is right in my world. Sometimes don't you just get sick of pretending that things are great in your world. Like in order to be a good Christian woman you aren't supposed to show emotion, get mad or question why things are the way they are?! It feels like in order to be a Christian you aren't allowed to show emotion you are always supposed to be "even keeled". Well.... It's not true! You can be a Christian and have emotions! In Matthew 21 Jesus went into the temple and turned over the tables of the money changers because they were doing business in God's house. Guess what?! I think he was MAD!!! I was actually in a Bible study one time and we were studying these exact verses and they were saying "well, I don't think he was mad"......ummm...hello! A calm person does not go over turn tables!!! What I am trying to say is I believe it is ok to show emotion when we are angry and things don't work out the way we prayed. That doesn't mean we aren't trusting God or that we don't have faith. We are human and God gave us emotions to feel. As a Christian I strive and often times fail to be conscientious of
how I appear to other people. I want my faith in God to show in my
life. In the good times and the bad. With that it sometimes translates into
showing no emotion or a false emotion. I can smile and say "God has a
plan" and inside I'm screaming and crying like a 3 year old little
girl! So, with that said, I am angry today. There I said it and it feels good. There have been things that we have been specifically praying to happen in our adoption world and other areas of our life. 2 of those things just feel apart today. Now, I know all the things that people would say at this time so I will go ahead and insert them to save everyone the trouble. I know God has a plan and it will be worth it in the end and it's not my way it's God's way. I know and believe ALL those things. It is rooted deep, deep down in my heart. But, I also feel that today in this moment it is ok for me to feel disappointed, mad, sad and frustrated. I will get over it probably by the time I finish this post. I just wanted to share how I really feel and for others to know that it is alright to feel the plethora of emotions that God has given us and we don't always have to hide it.
So, for those of you that have survived my ranting God Bless You! I feel much better all ready....(deep sigh)
PS By the way Matthew 21 (you know the chapter where Jesus gets mad) ends like this - And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.