2 years 3 months and 4 days into our adoption was the hardest day for me yet! That would have been last Friday when 3 out of 4 families from our September referral group got first approval and we didn't. Before I go any further I want to say that I am very happy for those families! I have met 2 of those families and had hoped to travel to Thailand with them. After a conversation with my case worker who was told by the program director to call me because they knew I would be upset, I was in total meltdown. That's when satan started whispering things in my ear like, God just doesn't love you as much as the others, you didn't pray enough, there's still something God wants you to learn that you just aren't getting.....and on and on and on. Talk about a low for me. I was totally defeated and to those that saw me that day would probably agree that's how I looked. Of course I didn't have the comfort of my home to sit and cry the rivers of tears, we were at the Sho-Me games with Isaac's baseball team in Columbia. Thank God for big sunglasses!
Having grace and faith has been the most important thing to me in the process of this adoption and Friday I felt like I failed. It's really hard to hear " oh, your file was probably next on the pile and they just ran out of time." But they don't know if that was the case, we should be next but its obvious they don't go in order so there's no comfort in that hope. There's not even comfort with the thought that we will get first approval at the next meeting because it has been the trend to not approve anyone after a meeting where they did. To top it off meetings are twice a month, usually every other week but not the next one, its not for 3 weeks! Ahhhhhhhh!
I hate to sound so negative and dreaded writing this post, I even
begged my husband to write it for me, but I feel it's important to
document the good and the bad. I pray that one day I will look back at
this day and see Gods goodness in his plan and understand that it all
worked out the way it was supposed to. Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have struggled the last few days to find renewed strength and a positive attitude but honestly it hasn't come as quickly as I hoped it would. Then last night I read these verses in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 …8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
My cousin wrote this to me yesterday... Praying
for strength for you today. It's okay to have days of weakness, don't
let anyone tell you any different. That's the days when the Lord does
his best work. Because then we finally step out of His way. ((Hugs)) to
On Friday when I was so upset I told God that he had pushed me too far and that I don't have the strength or grace to go on, but I cannot live by how I "feel" I have to live by the promise's God has given me in his word. God says his grace is sufficient, that doesn't necessarily mean I will feel an over abundance of grace, that means he will give me what I need and guess what? I'm still putting one foot in front of the other! I am human and I will feel weak but thank God I don't have to rely on myself! For when I am weak, then I am strong!