Psalm 37:4

Psalm 37:4 Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

2 years 3 months and 4 days into our adoption was the hardest day for me yet!  That would have been last Friday when 3 out of 4 families from our September referral group got first approval and we didn't.  Before I go any further I want to say that I am very happy for those families!  I have met 2 of those families and had hoped to travel to Thailand with them.  After a conversation with my case worker who was told by the program director to call me because they knew I would be upset, I was in total meltdown.  That's when satan started whispering things in my ear like, God just doesn't love you as much as the others,  you didn't pray enough, there's still something God wants you to learn that you just aren't getting.....and on and on and on.  Talk about a low for me.  I was totally defeated and to those that saw me that day would probably agree that's how I looked.  Of course I didn't have the comfort of my home to sit and cry the rivers of tears, we were at the Sho-Me games with Isaac's baseball team in Columbia.  Thank God for big sunglasses!

Having grace and faith has been the most important thing to me in the process of this adoption and Friday I felt like I failed.  It's really hard to hear " oh, your file was probably next on the pile and they just ran out of time."  But they don't know if that was the case, we should be next but its obvious they don't go in order so there's no comfort in that hope.  There's not even comfort with the thought that we will get first approval at the next meeting because it has been the trend to not approve anyone after a meeting where they did.  To top it off meetings are twice a month, usually every other week but not the next one, its not for 3 weeks!   Ahhhhhhhh!

 I hate to sound so negative and dreaded writing this post, I even begged my husband to write it for me, but I feel it's important to document the good and the bad. I pray that one day I will look back at this day and see Gods goodness in his plan and understand that it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have struggled the last few days to find renewed strength and a positive attitude but honestly it hasn't come as quickly as I hoped it would. Then last night I read these verses in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My cousin wrote this to me yesterday... Praying for strength for you today. It's okay to have days of weakness, don't let anyone tell you any different. That's the days when the Lord does his best work. Because then we finally step out of His way. ((Hugs)) to you today.

On Friday when I was so upset I told God that he had pushed me too far and that I don't have the strength or grace to go on, but I cannot live by how I "feel" I have to live by the promise's God has given me in his word.  God says his grace is sufficient, that doesn't necessarily mean I will feel an over abundance of grace, that means he will give me what I need and guess what?  I'm still putting one foot in front of the other!  I am human and I will feel weak but thank God I don't have to rely on myself! For when I am weak, then I am strong!


  1. God bless you and yours ma'am. Your patience will be rewarded with an amazing addition and your story of eventual triumph is going to comfort and inspire so many that will pass thru those shoes in the future.
    I know the faith displayed in your blog really picks me up.

  2. I really needed this as I have had a rough week. My life ghost as been turned upside down. Thank you for sharing.

  3. What a tough tough thing....I knew because of our facebook group that the others in your group had gotten approval. I can only imagine how hard that must have been. So looking forward to getting a referral, but definitely not looking forward to the year wait that follows that. Thanks for being real about how hard it is. I am tucking this away so that someday when I there, I remember others felt that way too. Praying right now for strength for you, supernatural strength.

  4. I understand completely. The days where you just have nothing to say to God other than "I just can't do this anymore". The peace you feel from Him after being honest is like nothing else. Even if it only lasts for that moment you can rest in that. We are still waiting for that date too so I know it's not easy. I thought of you when I saw all those posts about 1st approval and prayed for you. We went through the same thing.

  5. My heart aches for you! Its so hard to wait and wait and then watch things happen out of 'order'. But I truly believe that these intense feelings of longing and heart ache are the beginning seeds of bonding with your child who may or may not have a difficult transition. You want her so much that you are willing to do anything for her.... I hope you don't have to wait much longer and 3 weeks from now you can celebrate with your family.