Rantings of a MAD Christian Woman....

I'm just going to warn you don't read any further if you want to read about sunshine and roses because that is not what you are going to get today.  I have had a blog post on my heart for the last couple days that is positive and hopeful...a "preparing my field" kind of post.  For those of you who have watched Facing the Giants you will know what I am talking about.  That post will come but not tonight.

It has not been the best day for me and frankly the last couple of days have been rough.  Of course if you were to look at me everything would seem fine (btw I despise the word "fine" just ask my husband if you don't believe me).  I have gone about my days "appearing" that everything is right in my world.  Sometimes don't you just get sick of pretending that things are great in your world.  Like in order to be a good Christian woman you aren't supposed to show emotion, get mad or question why things are the way they are?!  It feels like in order to be a Christian you aren't allowed to show emotion you are always supposed to be "even keeled".  Well.... It's not true!  You can be a Christian and have emotions!  In Matthew 21 Jesus went into the temple and turned over the tables of the money changers because they were doing business in God's house.  Guess what?!  I think he was MAD!!!  I was actually in a Bible study one time and we were studying these exact verses and they were saying "well, I don't think he was mad"......ummm...hello! A calm person does not go over turn tables!!!  What I am trying to say is I believe it is ok to show emotion  when we are angry and things don't work out the way we prayed.  That doesn't mean we aren't trusting God or that we don't have faith.  We are human and God gave us emotions to feel. As a Christian I strive and often times fail to be conscientious of how I appear to other people.  I want my faith in God to show in my life.  In the good times and the bad.  With that it sometimes translates into showing no emotion or a false emotion.  I can smile and say "God has a plan"  and inside I'm screaming and crying like a 3 year old little girl! So, with that said, I am angry today.  There I said it and it feels good.  There have been things that we have been specifically praying to happen in our adoption world and other areas of our life.  2 of those things just feel apart today.  Now, I know all the things that people would say at this time so I will go ahead and insert them to save everyone the trouble.  I know God has a plan and it will be worth it in the end and it's not my way it's God's way.  I know and believe ALL those things.  It is rooted deep, deep down in my heart.  But, I also feel that today in this moment it is ok for me to feel disappointed, mad, sad and frustrated.  I will get over it probably by the time I finish this post.  I just wanted to share how I really feel and for others to know that it is alright to feel the plethora of emotions that God has given us and we don't always have to hide it.

So, for those of you that have survived my ranting God Bless You!   I feel much better all ready....(deep sigh)

PS  By the way Matthew 21 (you know the chapter where Jesus gets mad) ends like this - And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

#4

Well, June referrals came out early at the end of May and as you can see we only moved 1 spot AGAIN!  I was disappointed with March's referrals and had higher hopes for June.  I wasn't expecting a match this time but hoping to be closer to the top of the list like...oh... maybe 1 or 2.  Typically, I  have a pessimistic personality, I'm an "expect the worst hope for the best" kind of person.  Well!  Not this time!  I was positive and hopeful that things would move a little better than last time.  I was sorely mistaken but that's what happens when we start thinking we know God's plan better than he does.  I was happy for the families that got matched and I also felt like a little kid stomping my foot and whining "when's it going to be MY turn?!"  I also thought of the families ahead of me that probably did expect a match this time and didn't get one...I know how bad it feels at number 5 I can't imagine what they are feeling.  I took a long shower and had a good cry then a very honest talk with God about how I was feeling.  He knew already so I thought I just as well tell him. That is when he spoke to my heart and reminded me of two things.  One is the verse Kelly our Pastor read at Wednesday night bible study (which was just the night before).  I marked it in my bible and leaned over to tell Jason that "I'd better mark this because I have a feeling I'm going to need it." Romans 8:25  But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
 I felt God was preparing me with a verse to hold onto because he knew I'd need it.  The second thing was lyrics to a song we heard at Winter Jam.  The Same God by Newsong.  The words are...

The same God  with you then, is with you now...
The same God who led you in, will lead out...
so take all the fear and doubt...
go on and lay them down...
the same God, the same God is with you now. 

I had started to wonder if adopting was what God really wanted us to do but the words to the song reaffirmed to me that yes God led us into this adoption and he will lead us out... and in the meantime I will hope for what I do not see with patience.

The same God- Newsong (with lyrics in description)

This is what has kept us busy while we wait...

This was my fortune out of my fortune cookie.  Hopefully adoption news is on its way!

1 year and counting...

Today marks 1 year since we mailed our application to Holt International to start our adoption journey. It's amazing how many feelings I have when I think back on this past year. It has been a year of changes for our family. In June we signed a contract to sell our house at 10:30 the night before we left for vacation. I had also just mailed our dossier to D.C. to get all the seals that are required. Needless to say it was not the most relaxing vacation we've ever had. While I was trying to relax on my floatie in the pool I was worrying about where we were going to live when we move in less than a month and hoping that everything went smoothly with our dossier. I felt like I didn't have time for vacation I had things to worry about! Ha I worried needlessly because our dossier made it home just about the same time we did and we found a nice place to live. God was taking care of things just like he always does. We closed on our house and moved into a duplex the middle of July. We found the perfect piece of land to build our house on, which was an answered prayer in itself, because we had looked for land for the four years we were in our last house. We bought 4 acres just outside of town in August and started building in September.

We also made a difficult decision to change churches in September. It was really hard on Isaac because he had been to the same church for as long as he can remember. We hated to leave our church but we felt God was leading us somewhere else. We started attending Lifepoint and from the first Sunday we were there we felt as though we were home. The added bonus that we didnt know was how many other families at Lifepoint have or are in the process of adopting! It felt like the icing on the cake for us. It is so awesome to look across our church and see children of all colors and races. Every Sunday I look at the kids at church and can't wait to have our little girl there too.

Sometimes I feel like a year has gone by and we aren't any closer to being matched with our little girl but I know that we are. I know God already knows who our precious baby girl is and we just have to be patient because his timing is perfect. It feels like that part of our lives is on hold. The rest of our life is on crazy fast forward time. Right now we are 2 weeks away (Lord willing) from moving into our new house.(I'll post pics later) We have been so busy working on our house we are exhausted and just ready for it to be finished. Isaac has already started baseball and a few months ago he started guitar lessons. We are ready for things to slow down a bit but building the house has at times helped keep our minds off the adoption.

Most of all when I look back on the past year I realize how much God has done for us. We are so blessed. We know the wait for our baby girl will be long but so worth the wait.

#5

We have moved to #5 on the wait list.  We only moved 1 spot this referral month.  I'm not going to lie I was disappointed to say the least.  I was hoping to be closer to the top of the list and looking forward to a June referral.  More than likely it won't be until September at this point.  I know that everything happens in God's time and not mine, so I will keep waiting...