Growing so Fast...

We received a long awaited update on Lauren Thursday December 20th which happened to also be my brother's 30th birthday!!  I was so excited!!  I had been praying to get the update before Christmas and thankfully we did!  Lauren is healthy and doing well.  It was exciting to read about her routine and things she likes and dislikes.  I was hoping to see her smile but no luck in any of our new pictures.  They did say in the update that she won't smile when strangers are around, I was glad they addressed that and it made me feel better.  I told Jason that when we actually do see her smile it will be that much more special. :)

I have never been through something that has given me such conflicting emotions like adoption.  With each step there's happiness and sadness. I am excited that we got new pictures and information but when I saw how much Lauren has grown it made me sad to realize that she is growing up without us.  She needs to come home soon...

Band Together...

After writing my last post about letting God work I happened to read a Joyce Meyer article that articulated exactly what I was trying to say but of course much more eloquent than I could ever dream of.  I hope she doesn't mind but I am going to share a portion of  what she had to say...

Joyce Meyer-  But the humble get the help.  So if your way isn't working, why not try God's way?  All of us would be better off if we'd learn to lean on God and ask for his help.  But as long as we try to do everything ourselves, God will let us.  He won't take care of our problems and worries-our cares-until we turn loose of them and give them to Him.  Either we're going to do it or God's going to do it, but both of us aren't going to.  Now, casting your care doesn't mean you can be irresponsible.  God won't do for you what you can do yourself.  You must do what you can do, and then trust God to do what you can't.  When we humble ourselves and ask for his help, then he's able to release His power in our situations.  It's only then that we can really enjoy life.

This summed up my feelings exactly.  The underlined portions are what really touched me the most.  Especially the line that says you must do what you can do, and then trust God to do what you can't.  We had done all that we could do financially.  Finally, we just turned it all over to God and boy did he provide!  WOW!  He has worked in amazing ways in the last 7 days!

Friday night our friends from Lifepoint church planned and organized a fund raiser that we called Band Together for the Fatherless.  We invited worship bands from other local churches and basically had one huge worship service.  We had 5 bands total including Lifepoint's worship band.  It was the most amazing night of worship and adoption awareness!  In between bands we either showed an adoption video including our own or spoke about adoption.  The cool thing was the feedback from the worship bands.  They loved being able to have the chance to sit in the audience and worship while the other bands played.  Which is something they never get to do.  Also, the fact that 5 different churches could come together for one cause truly showed the unity of God's people.  We heard comments like "why haven't we done something like this before"  to "we should do this next year and get even more churches involved!".  It was such a blessing to hear such positive feedback!!! 

The church took up a love offering for us and they also sold raffle tickets before the concert started.  They collected over $3,800.00!!!!!  But that's not all!!!  My sister in-law Kayla and my brother Matt had secretly conducted a fund raiser.  They bought every bottle at Wal-Mart and passed them out for people to fill with change.  There were all kinds of bottles floating around at our school and I never once saw a single one!!!  They were very sneaky!  My brother's worship band played that night and while they were on stage they presented us with the money they raised.....it was over $2,000.00!!!  I was so overwhelmed to say the least.  There were a lot of tears that night, I'll just tell ya that!  :)

So, from last Friday at the Jason Crabb concert to this Friday at our fund raiser God blessed us with just shy of $8,000.00!!!!!!! 

Just to think that we almost talked ourselves out of even trying to do a fund raiser!  We would have robbed ourselves of God's blessings!  Oh us of little faith was hoping optimistically to raise $2,000.00 maaaaaybe 3 if we were really lucky.  Once again we tried to limit the power of our Lord.  God has been so good to us and he has showed us how much he loves us in a huge way!  Also, there were so many people that showed us how much they care about us and adoption.  People who are friends, family and even strangers that have given because they have a heart for adoption.  They all will be forever a part of our story and the story that we will one day share with Lauren.  

Forever Grateful,
The Ledbetter's

The Good and the Bad...

Friday was  a day of mixed emotions, we went from starting the day hopeful to a deep disappointing low to a wonderful high.  We got our disappointing news Friday afternoon.  It was something that we have been praying for and if God would have allowed it to happen would of taken care of a lot of needs in our life, primarily financially.  Sometimes I don't understand how a door can open or an opportunity can arise and you think God had to open that door so you pray even harder and you think positively and then it's slammed shut in your face.  That's how we felt Friday afternoon.  I was to the point that I just wished the opportunity wouldn't have come up so we could have avoided the hurt and disappointment and the lack of understanding.  The "why's"  that you ask God when things don't make sense.   

We had planned all week to go to a Jason Crabb concert  Friday night.  His concert's are near and dear to our hearts because it was at one of them that the Lord spoke to me about adoption.  Every since we started the adoption process I had hoped that when the day came we received our referral I would be able to share our story with Jason Crabb.  I just wanted him to know the part that he played in the whole thing.  I had hoped that I would have the opportunity to tell him our story that night but after the bad news we got that afternoon I was fighting the urge to sit at home and pout.  It was hard not to be negative but I spent the afternoon praying for peace and reminding myself his ways are not my ways.

Once we got to the concert the opening band was still on stage singing and I saw Jason Crabb walk in the back by his merch table.  There were a few people that asked him for autographs and took pictures but not many people had seen him yet.  Jason and I talked about this being my chance if I wanted to have time to speak to him.  So, I gathered my courage grabbed the extra adoption video I burned just in case and my photo album of Lauren that I carry in my purse and headed down to talk to him.  I was able to tell him our story and the role that he played in it.  He was so nice and excited for us.  He told us he was thankful for sharing our story with him because it encourages them to hear those sorts of testimony's. I felt a weight had been lifted from my chest.  I felt as though I had accomplished what God wanted me to do.  I went back to my seat feeling a peace and calm in my soul.  When he took the stage and started singing I knew this was exactly where I needed to be.  Spending time worshiping the Lord even when we were so disappointed in the news we received today.  He sang for about 45 minutes and right before he took a break he promoted World Vision and mentioned us.  He said he was just told of a wonderful testimony about a family being led to adopt from an experience with  World Vision.  I was excited because I thought it could possibly speak to someone else about adopting.  He came back from break and finished his concert and at the very end he called for us to come up on stage.  He told the audience about us and asked me to tell them the story I told him.  I AM NOT A PUBLIC SPEAKER!!!  I couldn't believe what was happening but I had no choice!!!  It was so quiet as I walked to the microphone.  I could hear my heals echoing in my ears!!!  With every step I took I was praying to God.  I prayed for him to give me the words to say and I told him I was doing this for him and for adoption awareness.  I stepped up to the microphone and told our story.  God helped me through it without any mess ups or blunders.  I found it's quite easy to talk about something that you are passionate about.  He then asked for people give money to help fund the rest of our adoption expenses.  They put  a drum case on the edge of the stage to use as an offering bucket and while Jason Crabb was still speaking a little boy walked up and handed him 2 dollars.  It was so sweet!  He had us go down and stand by the offering bucket and asked people to come forward and give money.  It was so overwhelming and humbling!  A crowd of people came forward and dropped money in and we hugged and shook hands with everyone of them.  It was amazing to hear their words of encouragement.  There was a man who told us he had been adopted as a young child and people who said they would pray for us and asked us to pray for them.  There were so many nice things said to Isaac about always keeping his soft heart and how it all started with him and to never turn from the Lord when he grows up!  It was so touching and an experience that I will never ever forget.  We were so blessed Friday night.  Not only financially but spiritually.  We walked away with $1,121.77 that night which is huge for us but even more than that God showed us that he is right here with us.  God still has his hand on us and that gave me comfort and peace.  He allowed something to happen that was beyond anything we could have hoped for.  God is so good ALL the time!!!

Letting God work

  I have viewed this adoption process in stages and with each step we take we have different feelings, we see God work in different ways and we have learned so much about life, love and faith.  Since our referral in September we have transitioned from the "work hard save everything" to the "let go and let God" phase. I am a firm believer in prayer and that God has a plan but I also believe that we can't expect things to just happen. We have to get up and work too and that's what we've done this past year and a half.  With that said I also believe there is a time to be still and let God work and that is where I feel we are at right now.  We know there is no way we will be able to save any money until after Christmas.  I will admit at first I was anxious and worried about where it will come from but since then God has given me a peace and a stillness that only he can provide.  I am excited about this phase because it will give us a chance to just watch God do his work and we will give all the glory to him.  I am a type A personality so not having a plan usually gives me anxiety and stress but I can feel God's presence so strongly right now that I am not worried one bit.   This post had been on my heart all last week and I wanted to type it up Wednesday night before church but didn't have time to get it done.   I wish I would have because I happened to check my mailbox when I was leaving for church and there was an anonymous letter with 100 dollars inside!  God had led whoever it was to give us money for our adoption.  I sat in my car at the end of the driveway and cried.  I cried for 4 reasons...knowing that God is working, affirmation that we are doing what God has called us to do and that others are also listening to God's call, and we really needed the money!  Since we wiped out our savings for our referral we have been at zero but now I can happily say we have an official start for our next financial hurdle and we are currently at $100.00!!!!  Also, some dear friends of ours Tim and Kristen Tucker are planning a fund raiser for us November 9th.  We have 5 area church worship bands coming to play!  What an amazing night of worship we will have!!!  I am excited that there are 5 different worship bands that are willing to take time out of their busy schedules to come support us and adoption awareness!  We have only known Tim and Kristen for about a year but it is amazing how much we value their friendship.  Every since we started going to LifePoint Church we have made so many valuable friendships that I wouldn't trade for the world!  There is also another prayer that we feel is possibly being answered and if all goes well we will be able to share that in about a week.  Until then we would appreciate your prayers!  God is good all the time!!!

What's a Sshlumpie?!

Well, one month down since our referral!  One more month and I can send another care package!!!!  I know it's a little early to be thinking about the next package but I had a reason for shopping early...I'll get to that later.

 I wanted to find a small stuffed animal or something that Lauren could cuddle and carry around.  Finding something that is cute, soft and small enough to fit in a gallon zip-lock baggie is tricky.  I also wanted to be able to add other things in the bag too so it couldn't take up too much room or weigh too much!  I was a little worried that I would find the "just right" thing.  My dear friend Laurie just opened a store last month that carries things you would find on Etsy it's called Perennial Design Co.  Her store is absolutely beautiful and she carries an array of beautiful things.  I knew if my "just right" thing was to be found I would find it at her store.  So, last Saturday after Isaac's football game we stopped in.  Guess what?!  We found it right away!!!  It's called a Sshlumpie Cuddler...

 It's like a stuffed animal without the stuffing!  It's so soft and cuddly!  It's kind of a cross between a stuffed animal and a blankie.  The great thing is that it's light weight and will lay flat in the baggie with plenty of room for other things! 
 Now, the reason I wanted it early is so Isaac can sleep with it for an entire month and then it will smell like us....like home.  At first Isaac resisted sleeping with it because you know he is in the 4th grade and too old for that sort of thing but he loves that lamb.  I think he loves the idea that he is cuddling it now and soon his sister will be.  Hopefully she will like it and it will become a comfort item that she can bring home with her to make her feel a little better when she makes her difficult transition.

Here is a link to Perennial Design Co. if anyone wants to check it out! http://perennialdesigncompany.com/

Money or Not....Here We Come. (Part 3)

  Step 3...It didn't take the devil long to try and steal my joy.  Often times when I've read or talked about the Israelites it amazes me how they could see Gods miracles first hand and still be unthankful and continue to complain and not have faith God was going to see them through.  That's why they wondered around in the desert for 40 years!  Well, I caught myself being just like the Israelites!  God had just provided more than I ever thought possible and here I am doubting that he will provide the rest!  Shame on me!

  I look at this past year and see all the sacrifices we've made to save money for our precious little girl.  Little things that kind of make me laugh to think about.  We all 3 pack our lunches everyday, we only eat out once a week at Mazzios where we can eat for under 20 bucks, we refill our water bottles and have switched from soda cans to 2 liters.  No vacations, no Silver Dollar City passes, no movie theater, no weekend get away to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.  Jason doesn't drive his truck because there's no gas in it, my car needs an oil change and new tires...just to name a few things.  I said all that to say this. God works differently in everyone's lives.  for some people it's that "Angel singing, bright light moment"  where the money just falls in your lap or a huge check comes in the mail.  I love to hear those stories.  It's those stories that prove it had to be God working.  But for some of us God works more subtly in our lives, it doesn't make him less there, he just works in a different way.  There has not been, up to this point, checks in the mail or money falling into our laps but God is here working.  He allowed for us to have the exact amount of money when we needed it.  I'm not saying I wouldn't love and accept money given to us but there is something to be said about the financial journey of adoption.  I think all the sacrifice and hard work makes the reward that much sweeter in the end.  It has also taught us to trust God every step of the way.  So, right now our savings account is back to zero but we will continue to sacrifice, save and trust God to provide.

Money or Not...Here We Come. (Part 2)

   Now on to step 2....We are not good at asking for help, we are more comfortable giving than receiving.  In fact I have cheated people close to me out of blessings because I wouldn't accept their generosity.  There's one particular time that happened ten or so years ago that still bothers me.  Well we needed to have a fund raiser and I only felt comfortable having a garage sale and asking for donated items.  I mean after all there's a lot of people who would rather take stuff to the free store than sell it so basically it was no skin off their back to help us.  That's how I rationalized it in my head anyway.  We had a lot of wonderful people donate items!  We even had a gentleman in our church give us a hundred dollar check!  That was huge for us!  Nobody before or since has just given us that much money!  Around that time we sold our house (it had been for sale for 2 years).  We had to move the weekend after our garage sale.  So, we had to get rid of everything that weekend and probably let some things go cheaper than we should have.  We still did good though!  We made almost 1,300 dollars!  It gave us the jump start we needed in our savings account!

  In the next year we built a new house and saved every dime of money possible.  We also applied for a grant which we were denied.  That was hard because it made me question if we were really doing what God wanted us to do.  But we kept pressing on knowing that God had gotten us this far.

  In July when my summer checks came we reached our goal!  We had just over 11,000 dollars in our savings acct.!  WOW!  God had blessed us so much!  There was one thing I didn't account for though.  I had forgotten that I needed 300 dollars for our homestudy update in August.  So out it came from the savings.  I also ran us too short and had to take out 175 dollars for grocery's and gas for my car.  I was so disappointed because that's the first time I had to withdraw any money that wasn't for the adoption.

  So, September 6 rolls around and we finally got the call we had been waiting for!  We got a referral of a 13 month old healthy girl!  I was excited beyond belief but quickly thought "Oh, No! We are short on money!"  We were 540 dollars short to be exact.  We needed 11,090 dollars to send with our acceptance paperwork.  So, here's where the story gets good...Jason and I were discussing where and how we were going to come up with the money.  We thought about asking someone to borrow it or getting cash off our credit card.  Neither one of those choices felt right.  God had gotten us this close he wasn't going to leave us hanging 540 dollars short!  Not after a year of saving over 10,000 dollars!  But where was it going to come from?!  This was a Monday and I had written out my bills on Friday but still had not found the time to pay them.  I realized they totaled 300 dollars and they weren't due until the 20th which was the same day I got my first paycheck of the school year!  So thank God I hadn't paid them!  I could hold them and pay them on the 20th when I got paid and they wouldn't even be late!  So, between holding our bills, 60 dollars cash my Aunt and mom had raised for us, cash out of Jason's wallet and some money from our checking acct. we had enough!!!!  Did we have any extra?!  Absolutely NOT!  But we met our goal, our bills weren't late, we had grocery's and gas in our car!  Glory to God!  God never promised us extra or excess but he promised to give us what we need and he did exactly that and we were thankful!

Money or Not...Here We Come! (Part 1)

  I have debated whether to make a post about money but it is a very big part of the adoption process.  I know I have appreciated reading other people's blog post's on this subject.  I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head, I hope I can make it all make sense. I have so much to say about it I'm going to split it into 3 posts so it doesn't get too lengthy.   Nevertheless here it goes....

  Of course like most people who feel led to adopt we didn't have thirty extra thousand dollars laying around.  To be honest with you we didn't even have a savings account.  We have always had what we need but not much extra.  We are planners by nature so if there would be something we wanted we saved to buy it.  When God spoke to us about adopting it's the first time we stepped out financially on faith, meaning we weren't going to be able to save it all before we started the process.  We believed if God was calling us to this then he would provide the way.

 I had been a stay at home mom to Isaac until he started second grade.  I got a job as a para because I was bored, or so I thought, but God was lining things up just right to provide the way.  We were used to living on just Jason's income so I have been able to save most of my checks for the adoption.

 I kind of think about the adoption fees in 3 steps.  Step 1- the homestudy, dossier fees, I-800A fee, etc.  Step 2- the big chunk at time of referral and Step 3- travel.  Now when we started this process our plan was to save the 6,000 dollars for step 1, get a loan for step 2 (because there was no way we could save over 11,000 dollars) and then save for step 3 (6 to 8 thousand...give or take).

 We were able to pay all of step 1 with my paychecks.  I felt very grateful just to be able to come up with that much.  Let me tell you it was scary for me (who is a type A personality) to write that first big check.  I had to have Jason sit beside me for support because it represented the physical "step of faith".  It's one thing to say you are trusting God but a whole other thing to actually write that check and have faith God will provide the rest but we made it through step 1 of our financial goal!  Ahhh....sigh of relief.

Our First Care Package

I am behind on blogging.  I seem to never find the time to actually make a post on my blog.  I am always thinking about it though, so I am hoping to catch up.

We sent off our first care package to Lauren September 15th!  I was so excited  to buy her things because up to this point I hadn't really....well, I did buy one doll but that's it.  When I would be in a store I would avoid the little girl section like the plague!  Ohhhh but now I just go stand in the middle of it!!  I walk really slowly and look at everything!  It makes me emotional and I almost started crying in Old Navy Friday night but they would have been  happy tears so they would have been ok (I just didn't want anyone to think I was crazy) :).  We have waited for so long just for a referral and sometimes it almost doesn't seem real yet and other times it overwhelms me.  When I  touch and hold the cute little clothes and think there will actually be a little girl that will wear these!  Anyway, back to our care package.  It was so hard to narrow down what we were going to send.  Everything had to fit in a gallon size ziplock baggie and not weigh more than 1 pound.  This is what we decided on....

2 outfits, 1 disposable camera, 1 photo book and a letter to Lauren.  The outfits weren't exactly what I wanted but all the summer clothes had been marked down and picked through already.  So, I had to settle for what I could find.  We can send a care package every 2 months and that will help pass the time while we wait!

It's A Girl!!!!

We are SO EXCITED!!!!  We got a referral of a healthy 13 month old baby girl!!!!  We think she is absolutely beautiful!!!!  We got the call Thursday, September 6.  When my phone rang the number looked familiar but I didn't think much of it because it wasn't Holt which is programed into my phone and that was the only number I really cared to see.  It turned out it was our case worker Judy.  I never once expected the reason for her call was to tell us we had a match!  I knew the call usually comes from the program director or her assistant.  She caught me completely off guard!  I was in complete shock!  I think she enjoyed tricking me because she acted like she was calling about something else and at the last minute said "oh, by the way..."  We are so thankful that God has gotten us to this place and that he has matched us with the most beautiful little girl.
I have kept a journal since we started this process just so I can look back and see what we were doing on the day she was born.  That is the first thing Isaac wanted to look up after we saw her birth date.  She was born the Monday after we had our adoption garage sale last summer.  I thought that was pretty cool.  There wasn't anything cool or exciting that we did on the day of her birth but later I read the next day's entry.  I couldn't believe what it said...I wrote that I woke up feeling that God was calling me to fast that day.  I fasted and prayed the entire day.  I have NEVER felt led to fast before or since that day.  I can't help but think that the reason was because of our baby girl.  Maybe it was for her birth mother that was struggling to make the decision about her newborn baby or for the health of our baby girl.  I love when I can see God's work without a shadow of a doubt. 
We have decided to name her Lauren and it feels good to be able to pray for her by name.  We love her so much already.  I will try to  post her picture and if anyone would like to see it just message me for the password.  Just please do not copy or share her photo.  Thank you!

Preparing Our Field

This is one of my favorite clips in Facing the Giants.  I wanted to post this clip because of the story about the farmers praying for rain but only one of them preparing the field. It is what I kept thinking about when we worked on our little girls room.  We moved into our new house the first of May and we had touched up the paint in every room except our little girls.  Her room had just been a catch all for the extra things we had to put away.  During one of Jason's vacation weeks this summer he said it was time to work on it.  I was a little apprehensive at first because I didn't want God to think I was being presumptuous by getting the room ready even before we have a referral.  But this clip and the story about the farmers came to mind and it helped me feel better.  The entire time we touched up paint, put the tree on the wall and placed every single blossom in just the right spot I prayed and thanked God for what he is going to give us because it is what he has called us to do.....and we are just preparing our field to receive the blessing...

Add caption

Stick a Fork in it!

Oh, what a week it has been!  You all heard me rant about my Monday and Tuesday wasn't much better.  I was talking to my friend Rosie on Tuesday night about my week so far and how rough it has been.  I told her if Wednesday wasn't any better I was just going to "stick a fork in the week and call it done".  Well.....Wednesday turned out to be quite interesting.

I got an emergency phone call at school from my brother saying the field behind our house and our back yard were on fire.  Also, the wind was blowing toward our house and there were no fire fighters there!  I was so scared!  How could I not be?!  This summer has been so dry and Wednesday was a windy day on top of that!  To make a long story short our house survived.  The fire made it within 50 yards of our back porch which was way to close for me.  So, needless to say Wednesday trumped Monday and Tuesday by far!  We were so exhausted because of the emotional strain of the events of the day but even though we were scared to death I was grateful for what God had done.  God gave me the "shake up" that I needed.  I was letting myself focus on all the small little things that had went wrong the last 2 days.  Were they disappointing? Yes, they were upsetting, especially because they were two things that we were specifically praying for.  But, I got a glimpse of how much worse it could be.  We very easily could have lost our home that we just finished building in April.  Sometimes it feels like I can't feel or see God working in my life and I think that is what I had been feeling.  Like maybe my prayers weren't getting to heaven and God wasn't hearing me.  The way things worked out on Wednesday showed me what I already knew, that God is with us always.  Even in the times when we can't feel his presence. There are things that happened Wednesday that non believers would say are coincidence but as a Christian we know there is no such thing...or in the words of Mother Teresa "When I pray coincidences happen and when I stop, they don't".  I feel the need to list them....

1. My brother was on his way back to work from lunch when he saw the smoke.  He is not a worrier but "something" just told him to go check on our house.  If you ask my brother he will tell you it was God telling him and I believe that with all my heart.

2.  Jason and I had just built a fire pit in the back corner of our yard and planted some grass seed around the area.  We had 2 garden hoses connected and stretched out there to water the seed.  So, when my brother got there and he was the only one.  He was able to just turn the hose on and it was already where he needed it to be.  Do you know how long it would have taken him to find more hoses and connect them together to reach out there?

3.  Over 50 acres burned that day and 11 counties responded to the fire.  We had the red cross and Office of Emergency Management there also and guess where they set up their head quarters?  In my back yard!  I was so thankful to have them there because I felt safer. 

4.  Fire fighters were there for approximately 6 hours.  They had to leave because there were 2 other fires that had started.  There was one fire truck with one fire fighter left.  He is friends with my brother and so he sat down with us on the back porch to rest for a few minutes before he left.  He probably sat there 20 minutes.  He was getting in his truck to leave and turned on his sirens and honked the horn for my niece Lily to hear it when he took off across the back yard.  I was confused for a min.  but quickly saw there was a small rekindle behind our neighbors yard to the left of us.  While he was dousing those flames we spotted big flames behind the neighbors yard to the right of us!  Those required help of another fire truck to get under control.  What if he would have left right when the other trucks left?  What if he didn't sit down and talk to my brother for awhile?

This is where the burn line stops and you can see how close it is to our house.

The field just behind our house as you can see there's nothing left but ashes.

Our back yard

I know this is wordy but I just wanted to share ALL the moments in that day where I saw God's hand.  It could have turned out really bad but it didn't.  God was and is always taking care of us.  I want to thank God for his blessings on Wednesday and for giving me a friend with humor.  She text me that evening and asked me if I was ready to stick a fork in it?!  I laughed out loud!

Rantings of a MAD Christian Woman....

I'm just going to warn you don't read any further if you want to read about sunshine and roses because that is not what you are going to get today.  I have had a blog post on my heart for the last couple days that is positive and hopeful...a "preparing my field" kind of post.  For those of you who have watched Facing the Giants you will know what I am talking about.  That post will come but not tonight.

It has not been the best day for me and frankly the last couple of days have been rough.  Of course if you were to look at me everything would seem fine (btw I despise the word "fine" just ask my husband if you don't believe me).  I have gone about my days "appearing" that everything is right in my world.  Sometimes don't you just get sick of pretending that things are great in your world.  Like in order to be a good Christian woman you aren't supposed to show emotion, get mad or question why things are the way they are?!  It feels like in order to be a Christian you aren't allowed to show emotion you are always supposed to be "even keeled".  Well.... It's not true!  You can be a Christian and have emotions!  In Matthew 21 Jesus went into the temple and turned over the tables of the money changers because they were doing business in God's house.  Guess what?!  I think he was MAD!!!  I was actually in a Bible study one time and we were studying these exact verses and they were saying "well, I don't think he was mad"......ummm...hello! A calm person does not go over turn tables!!!  What I am trying to say is I believe it is ok to show emotion  when we are angry and things don't work out the way we prayed.  That doesn't mean we aren't trusting God or that we don't have faith.  We are human and God gave us emotions to feel. As a Christian I strive and often times fail to be conscientious of how I appear to other people.  I want my faith in God to show in my life.  In the good times and the bad.  With that it sometimes translates into showing no emotion or a false emotion.  I can smile and say "God has a plan"  and inside I'm screaming and crying like a 3 year old little girl! So, with that said, I am angry today.  There I said it and it feels good.  There have been things that we have been specifically praying to happen in our adoption world and other areas of our life.  2 of those things just feel apart today.  Now, I know all the things that people would say at this time so I will go ahead and insert them to save everyone the trouble.  I know God has a plan and it will be worth it in the end and it's not my way it's God's way.  I know and believe ALL those things.  It is rooted deep, deep down in my heart.  But, I also feel that today in this moment it is ok for me to feel disappointed, mad, sad and frustrated.  I will get over it probably by the time I finish this post.  I just wanted to share how I really feel and for others to know that it is alright to feel the plethora of emotions that God has given us and we don't always have to hide it.

So, for those of you that have survived my ranting God Bless You!   I feel much better all ready....(deep sigh)

PS  By the way Matthew 21 (you know the chapter where Jesus gets mad) ends like this - And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

#4

Well, June referrals came out early at the end of May and as you can see we only moved 1 spot AGAIN!  I was disappointed with March's referrals and had higher hopes for June.  I wasn't expecting a match this time but hoping to be closer to the top of the list like...oh... maybe 1 or 2.  Typically, I  have a pessimistic personality, I'm an "expect the worst hope for the best" kind of person.  Well!  Not this time!  I was positive and hopeful that things would move a little better than last time.  I was sorely mistaken but that's what happens when we start thinking we know God's plan better than he does.  I was happy for the families that got matched and I also felt like a little kid stomping my foot and whining "when's it going to be MY turn?!"  I also thought of the families ahead of me that probably did expect a match this time and didn't get one...I know how bad it feels at number 5 I can't imagine what they are feeling.  I took a long shower and had a good cry then a very honest talk with God about how I was feeling.  He knew already so I thought I just as well tell him. That is when he spoke to my heart and reminded me of two things.  One is the verse Kelly our Pastor read at Wednesday night bible study (which was just the night before).  I marked it in my bible and leaned over to tell Jason that "I'd better mark this because I have a feeling I'm going to need it." Romans 8:25  But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
 I felt God was preparing me with a verse to hold onto because he knew I'd need it.  The second thing was lyrics to a song we heard at Winter Jam.  The Same God by Newsong.  The words are...

The same God  with you then, is with you now...
The same God who led you in, will lead out...
so take all the fear and doubt...
go on and lay them down...
the same God, the same God is with you now. 

I had started to wonder if adopting was what God really wanted us to do but the words to the song reaffirmed to me that yes God led us into this adoption and he will lead us out... and in the meantime I will hope for what I do not see with patience.

The same God- Newsong (with lyrics in description)

This is what has kept us busy while we wait...

This was my fortune out of my fortune cookie.  Hopefully adoption news is on its way!

1 year and counting...

Today marks 1 year since we mailed our application to Holt International to start our adoption journey. It's amazing how many feelings I have when I think back on this past year. It has been a year of changes for our family. In June we signed a contract to sell our house at 10:30 the night before we left for vacation. I had also just mailed our dossier to D.C. to get all the seals that are required. Needless to say it was not the most relaxing vacation we've ever had. While I was trying to relax on my floatie in the pool I was worrying about where we were going to live when we move in less than a month and hoping that everything went smoothly with our dossier. I felt like I didn't have time for vacation I had things to worry about! Ha I worried needlessly because our dossier made it home just about the same time we did and we found a nice place to live. God was taking care of things just like he always does. We closed on our house and moved into a duplex the middle of July. We found the perfect piece of land to build our house on, which was an answered prayer in itself, because we had looked for land for the four years we were in our last house. We bought 4 acres just outside of town in August and started building in September.

We also made a difficult decision to change churches in September. It was really hard on Isaac because he had been to the same church for as long as he can remember. We hated to leave our church but we felt God was leading us somewhere else. We started attending Lifepoint and from the first Sunday we were there we felt as though we were home. The added bonus that we didnt know was how many other families at Lifepoint have or are in the process of adopting! It felt like the icing on the cake for us. It is so awesome to look across our church and see children of all colors and races. Every Sunday I look at the kids at church and can't wait to have our little girl there too.

Sometimes I feel like a year has gone by and we aren't any closer to being matched with our little girl but I know that we are. I know God already knows who our precious baby girl is and we just have to be patient because his timing is perfect. It feels like that part of our lives is on hold. The rest of our life is on crazy fast forward time. Right now we are 2 weeks away (Lord willing) from moving into our new house.(I'll post pics later) We have been so busy working on our house we are exhausted and just ready for it to be finished. Isaac has already started baseball and a few months ago he started guitar lessons. We are ready for things to slow down a bit but building the house has at times helped keep our minds off the adoption.

Most of all when I look back on the past year I realize how much God has done for us. We are so blessed. We know the wait for our baby girl will be long but so worth the wait.

#5

We have moved to #5 on the wait list.  We only moved 1 spot this referral month.  I'm not going to lie I was disappointed to say the least.  I was hoping to be closer to the top of the list and looking forward to a June referral.  More than likely it won't be until September at this point.  I know that everything happens in God's time and not mine, so I will keep waiting...

Isaac for President!!!

Isaac brought this home from school on President's Day.  It melted my heart.  :)