Well, June referrals came out early at the end of May and as you can see we only moved 1 spot AGAIN! I was disappointed with March's referrals and had higher hopes for June. I wasn't expecting a match this time but hoping to be closer to the top of the list like...oh... maybe 1 or 2. Typically, I have a pessimistic personality, I'm an "expect the worst hope for the best" kind of person. Well! Not this time! I was positive and hopeful that things would move a little better than last time. I was sorely mistaken but that's what happens when we start thinking we know God's plan better than he does. I was happy for the families that got matched and I also felt like a little kid stomping my foot and whining "when's it going to be MY turn?!" I also thought of the families ahead of me that probably did expect a match this time and didn't get one...I know how bad it feels at number 5 I can't imagine what they are feeling. I took a long shower and had a good cry then a very honest talk with God about how I was feeling. He knew already so I thought I just as well tell him. That is when he spoke to my heart and reminded me of two things. One is the verse Kelly our Pastor read at Wednesday night bible study (which was just the night before). I marked it in my bible and leaned over to tell Jason that "I'd better mark this because I have a feeling I'm going to need it."
Romans 8:25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.
I felt God was preparing me with a verse to hold onto because he knew I'd need it. The second thing was lyrics to a song we heard at Winter Jam.
The Same God by Newsong. The words are...
The same God with you then, is with you now...
The same God who led you in, will lead out...
so take all the fear and doubt...
go on and lay them down...
the same God, the same God is with you now.
I had started to wonder if adopting was what God really wanted us to do but the words to the song reaffirmed to me that
yes God led
us into this adoption and he will lead us out... and in the meantime I will hope for what I do not see with patience.
I had moments where I wondered the same thing...are you SURE you called me to this? To waiting around for 3 years with unmet expectations and disappointments?! But I really feel like the process before the actual adoption is part of the calling in itself! It's the refining fire that prepares us and molds us to the person (mother) he needs us to be before we bring our babes home. But also? It stinks. It really does. Hang in there, friend! ---Jen T.
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