This morning on the way to work I heard the song blessings by Laura Story and it touched my heart. I have prayed for the very things she talks about in her song....blessings, peace, comfort for family and protection while we sleep, healing, for prosperity. These next words are the ones that really pricked my heart this morning... We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough and all the while you hear each desperate plea.... Those are the words that kept me in my car outside of school crying for forgiveness this morning from all the doubting and letting satan get the best of me over the weekend. I am so thankful that God loves me and forgives me when I let him down. Sunday night in church they were talking about Heaven and Isaac turned to me and said "mom I just can't wait to get to Heaven". I thought about his words when I heard these words in this song.....the pain reminds us this is not our home.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Blessings...
We had a guest speaker at our church right around the new year. She shared something that her family does every year. They have a jar and every time God blesses them they write it on a rock and put it in the jar and at the end of the year they pour them all out and reflect on how great God has been. I am going to find a jar and the biggest rock that will fit and I am going to write on it....SAVED JASON'S JOB! We were so relieved and happy to find out yesterday that he was not the one to be "displaced". That is what they call it when they eliminate your job. I want to write down this answered prayer and reflect on it months from now because I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget how scary it can be to know that a situation is out of your hands but also to know the comfort that only God can provide. I was so happy when Jason text me at work to tell me the good news. I actually asked him twice if he was sure before it really sank in. The worrying that I struggled with over the weekend was not just about money or jobs or our financial future but mostly what losing a job would do to the future of our adoption and that is when the real pain surfaced. All the years that Jason and I tried to have another baby and struggled with infertility satan would tell me that I wasn't a good enough mother to parent another child, I wasn't deserving of that blessing. He would tell me that I failed Isaac because he didn't have siblings to play with like everyone else. Needless to say I was so thankful to God for taking care of us as he always does. I didn't care that I was at work, I found a closet to get in and got down on my knees and praised his name! I am so thankful that I can share the goodness of God!
This morning on the way to work I heard the song blessings by Laura Story and it touched my heart. I have prayed for the very things she talks about in her song....blessings, peace, comfort for family and protection while we sleep, healing, for prosperity. These next words are the ones that really pricked my heart this morning... We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough and all the while you hear each desperate plea.... Those are the words that kept me in my car outside of school crying for forgiveness this morning from all the doubting and letting satan get the best of me over the weekend. I am so thankful that God loves me and forgives me when I let him down. Sunday night in church they were talking about Heaven and Isaac turned to me and said "mom I just can't wait to get to Heaven". I thought about his words when I heard these words in this song.....the pain reminds us this is not our home.
This morning on the way to work I heard the song blessings by Laura Story and it touched my heart. I have prayed for the very things she talks about in her song....blessings, peace, comfort for family and protection while we sleep, healing, for prosperity. These next words are the ones that really pricked my heart this morning... We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough and all the while you hear each desperate plea.... Those are the words that kept me in my car outside of school crying for forgiveness this morning from all the doubting and letting satan get the best of me over the weekend. I am so thankful that God loves me and forgives me when I let him down. Sunday night in church they were talking about Heaven and Isaac turned to me and said "mom I just can't wait to get to Heaven". I thought about his words when I heard these words in this song.....the pain reminds us this is not our home.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Overcoming the Fear...
Jason and I have had a rough week....God started dealing with my heart yesterday to blog about it. Honestly, up until this morning, I kept asking God why. Why would he want me to blog when I don't know what positive or testimonial thing I would have to say right now? I have spent most of the week in prayer and begging to feel God's presence. I knew he was with us but I could not feel him. Not until this morning...
I don't usually share such personal struggles and don't necessarily feel comfortable doing it now but it's what God has told me to do. A week ago Thursday Jason found out for the third year in a row that due to restructuring of the Company he could possibly lose his job. THREE YEARS IN A ROW! With little information and a "good luck" from his boss we are left to wait. The word WAIT has truly become a 4 letter word in our house. We are quickly approaching 2 years into our adoption not counting the 7 years we tried to have another child after Isaac. Then you add 3 years of fearing for your job...and well you get my point. I am so over waiting! The past couple of days I have completely been consumed with fear. It's been an overwhelming paralyzing fear. Jason has been at his job for 13 years but him losing his job has been one of my greatest fears. When I was a teenager I still remember the day my mom picked me up from school and told me that my dad had lost his job. A job that he had been at for a long time. I watched what losing a job does to a man. A man who was hard working and tried so hard to provide for his family. I feel as though my dad never recovered from it and has never been the same as he was before.
The devil has done a number on me this week. I fear for our financial future and what losing a job would do to Jason, where would he find another job, what if we lost our home, and most important what would it do to our adoption? It's amazing how you can miss and love someone that you haven't even met.
This morning I woke up very early with all these thoughts in my head. I had finally had enough! I prayed with authority for the devil to get behind me and I have finally felt God's presence today. From the minute I got in the car and turned the radio on, to the worship songs at church, to Kelly's message, to turning the TV on after lunch and Facing the Giants was on. God has given me so much reassurance that he is with us and he has a plan for our lives. I told God today that I wanted his plan for our life and not my plan. I will follow him wherever he leads us even if its down a road we don't want to go. I told God that if it's his will for Jason to lose his job, for our adoption to be interrupted, or for us to lose everything I will still love him. Jason and I know that we have done everything in our power that we can do and I've told God the rest is up to him. But that is when God does his best work. When we finally let go and stop thinking we can fix our problems and allow God the space to take care of our need. In the words of Joyce Meyer...as long as we try to do everything ourselves, God will let us. God won't do for you what you can do yourself. You must do what you CAN do and then trust God to do what you can't. Our job is to do the best we can and leave the results up to God.
I pray I have written the words that God wanted and I will leave you with our memory verse from church this morning...
Psalms 37:4-5
Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.
I don't usually share such personal struggles and don't necessarily feel comfortable doing it now but it's what God has told me to do. A week ago Thursday Jason found out for the third year in a row that due to restructuring of the Company he could possibly lose his job. THREE YEARS IN A ROW! With little information and a "good luck" from his boss we are left to wait. The word WAIT has truly become a 4 letter word in our house. We are quickly approaching 2 years into our adoption not counting the 7 years we tried to have another child after Isaac. Then you add 3 years of fearing for your job...and well you get my point. I am so over waiting! The past couple of days I have completely been consumed with fear. It's been an overwhelming paralyzing fear. Jason has been at his job for 13 years but him losing his job has been one of my greatest fears. When I was a teenager I still remember the day my mom picked me up from school and told me that my dad had lost his job. A job that he had been at for a long time. I watched what losing a job does to a man. A man who was hard working and tried so hard to provide for his family. I feel as though my dad never recovered from it and has never been the same as he was before.
The devil has done a number on me this week. I fear for our financial future and what losing a job would do to Jason, where would he find another job, what if we lost our home, and most important what would it do to our adoption? It's amazing how you can miss and love someone that you haven't even met.
This morning I woke up very early with all these thoughts in my head. I had finally had enough! I prayed with authority for the devil to get behind me and I have finally felt God's presence today. From the minute I got in the car and turned the radio on, to the worship songs at church, to Kelly's message, to turning the TV on after lunch and Facing the Giants was on. God has given me so much reassurance that he is with us and he has a plan for our lives. I told God today that I wanted his plan for our life and not my plan. I will follow him wherever he leads us even if its down a road we don't want to go. I told God that if it's his will for Jason to lose his job, for our adoption to be interrupted, or for us to lose everything I will still love him. Jason and I know that we have done everything in our power that we can do and I've told God the rest is up to him. But that is when God does his best work. When we finally let go and stop thinking we can fix our problems and allow God the space to take care of our need. In the words of Joyce Meyer...as long as we try to do everything ourselves, God will let us. God won't do for you what you can do yourself. You must do what you CAN do and then trust God to do what you can't. Our job is to do the best we can and leave the results up to God.
I pray I have written the words that God wanted and I will leave you with our memory verse from church this morning...
Psalms 37:4-5
Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.
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