Jason and I have had a rough week....God started dealing with my heart yesterday to blog about it. Honestly, up until this morning, I kept asking God why. Why would he want me to blog when I don't know what positive or testimonial thing I would have to say right now? I have spent most of the week in prayer and begging to feel God's presence. I knew he was with us but I could not feel him. Not until this morning...
I don't usually share such personal struggles and don't necessarily feel comfortable doing it now but it's what God has told me to do. A week ago Thursday Jason found out for the third year in a row that due to restructuring of the Company he could possibly lose his job. THREE YEARS IN A ROW! With little information and a "good luck" from his boss we are left to wait. The word WAIT has truly become a 4 letter word in our house. We are quickly approaching 2 years into our adoption not counting the 7 years we tried to have another child after Isaac. Then you add 3 years of fearing for your job...and well you get my point. I am so over waiting! The past couple of days I have completely been consumed with fear. It's been an overwhelming paralyzing fear. Jason has been at his job for 13 years but him losing his job has been one of my greatest fears. When I was a teenager I still remember the day my mom picked me up from school and told me that my dad had lost his job. A job that he had been at for a long time. I watched what losing a job does to a man. A man who was hard working and tried so hard to provide for his family. I feel as though my dad never recovered from it and has never been the same as he was before.
The devil has done a number on me this week. I fear for our financial future and what losing a job would do to Jason, where would he find another job, what if we lost our home, and most important what would it do to our adoption? It's amazing how you can miss and love someone that you haven't even met.
This morning I woke up very early with all these thoughts in my head. I had finally had enough! I prayed with authority for the devil to get behind me and I have finally felt God's presence today. From the minute I got in the car and turned the radio on, to the worship songs at church, to Kelly's message, to turning the TV on after lunch and Facing the Giants was on. God has given me so much reassurance that he is with us and he has a plan for our lives. I told God today that I wanted his plan for our life and not my plan. I will follow him wherever he leads us even if its down a road we don't want to go. I told God that if it's his will for Jason to lose his job, for our adoption to be interrupted, or for us to lose everything I will still love him. Jason and I know that we have done everything in our power that we can do and I've told God the rest is up to him. But that is when God does his best work. When we finally let go and stop thinking we can fix our problems and allow God the space to take care of our need. In the words of Joyce Meyer...as long as we try to do everything ourselves, God will let us. God won't do for you what you can do yourself. You must do what you CAN do and then trust God to do what you can't. Our job is to do the best we can and leave the results up to God.
I pray I have written the words that God wanted and I will leave you with our memory verse from church this morning...
Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.