2 years 3 months and 4 days into our adoption was the hardest day for me yet!  That would have been last Friday when 3 out of 4 families from our September referral group got first approval and we didn't.  Before I go any further I want to say that I am very happy for those families!  I have met 2 of those families and had hoped to travel to Thailand with them.  After a conversation with my case worker who was told by the program director to call me because they knew I would be upset, I was in total meltdown.  That's when satan started whispering things in my ear like, God just doesn't love you as much as the others,  you didn't pray enough, there's still something God wants you to learn that you just aren't getting.....and on and on and on.  Talk about a low for me.  I was totally defeated and to those that saw me that day would probably agree that's how I looked.  Of course I didn't have the comfort of my home to sit and cry the rivers of tears, we were at the Sho-Me games with Isaac's baseball team in Columbia.  Thank God for big sunglasses!

Having grace and faith has been the most important thing to me in the process of this adoption and Friday I felt like I failed.  It's really hard to hear " oh, your file was probably next on the pile and they just ran out of time."  But they don't know if that was the case, we should be next but its obvious they don't go in order so there's no comfort in that hope.  There's not even comfort with the thought that we will get first approval at the next meeting because it has been the trend to not approve anyone after a meeting where they did.  To top it off meetings are twice a month, usually every other week but not the next one, its not for 3 weeks!   Ahhhhhhhh!

 I hate to sound so negative and dreaded writing this post, I even begged my husband to write it for me, but I feel it's important to document the good and the bad. I pray that one day I will look back at this day and see Gods goodness in his plan and understand that it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have struggled the last few days to find renewed strength and a positive attitude but honestly it hasn't come as quickly as I hoped it would. Then last night I read these verses in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 …⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My cousin wrote this to me yesterday... Praying for strength for you today. It's okay to have days of weakness, don't let anyone tell you any different. That's the days when the Lord does his best work. Because then we finally step out of His way. ((Hugs)) to you today.

On Friday when I was so upset I told God that he had pushed me too far and that I don't have the strength or grace to go on, but I cannot live by how I "feel" I have to live by the promise's God has given me in his word.  God says his grace is sufficient, that doesn't necessarily mean I will feel an over abundance of grace, that means he will give me what I need and guess what?  I'm still putting one foot in front of the other!  I am human and I will feel weak but thank God I don't have to rely on myself! For when I am weak, then I am strong!

Lauren's 2nd Birthday...

July eleventh was Lauren's second birthday.  I will admit it was harder than I thought it would be to celebrate without her.  I had hoped and prayed that we would be together as a complete family by now, but God had another plan.  We are continuing to trust his plan but some days are harder than others. 

We decided to make it a positive day of celebration and not focus on the fact that we were not together.  We had a cupcake party at the park and celebrated with family and friends!  We were so thankful for everyone who came to honor this special day with us.  It was kind of strange to host a birthday party without the guest of honor but it went great!  At dark we lit Chinese lanterns in honor of Lauren.  Each family had their own lantern and they wrote notes to Lauren on them.  When the lanterns were floating up into the sky everyone started singing Happy Birthday.  It was so sweet. I am so thankful for our friends and family that came...

Isaac and my mom helped frost and decorate the cupcakes...

 

All the kids at Lauren's party, I realized much later that we were missing 3 girls from this picture and it's hard to get them all looking at the same time.

This is my Great Aunt and Uncle.  My Aunt is praying that she is still here to meet Lauren when we bring her home.  She has been battling lung cancer for awhile now.  It is my prayer too.

This is Reese.  We have decided she is going to be Lauren's best friend!

We have wonderful family and friends who got Lauren the most thoughtful and sweet gifts!  I loved all the home made cards too!  Lily, Lauren's best cousin/friend, is helping me.

Isaac cheering as the lantern lifts off!

 

 

 

Cousin Kole

 

 

 

 It was a wonderful evening and we can't wait to show Lauren the pictures one day when she is older.  She will be able to see that so many people loved her before they even knew her.  Next year her birthday will be even more special because, Lord willing, she will be home where she belongs...

Adoption Video

No news....

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated everyone on our progress.  I haven't posted because there is nothing to report.  There are delays in Thailand and the program is slowing down or grinding to a halt...I don't think that's true but it's how I feel.  I have read on numerous blogs that waiting for first approval was the hardest part of the wait and after experiencing it, I agree.

We have tried to keep ourselves busy this summer and so far we have accomplished that and had fun doing it!  We have spent a lot of time with Isaac and his baseball team.   I have come to truly value the friendships we have made with the parents on the team.  We also have been swimming although Isaac keeps having a reaction to the chemicals in the pool so he hasn't had the most fun with that.  I feel terrible for him!  He had a Dr. visit today and hopefully we have the problem figured out and it won't happen again.  We have gone to Silver Dollar City a couple of times, we love riding the rollar coasters!  And we plan on going to White Water this Saturday with my family!

Along with all our summer activities Jason has had the opportunity to purchase his own distributorship.  It was a hard decision to make because Jason has been at his job for 13 years but it was an opportunity we couldn't pass up!  So, this Friday is Jason's last day at his job and then he begins a new chapter in his career!  Wow, this was a hard one for me.  From the very first thought of adopting I have had complete faith that God would take care of us financially and in every other aspect pertaining to the adoption because I was positively sure that it is the path he wanted us to take.  Since we started the adoption process over 2 years ago I have come to realize that I was letting God have control of the adoption but in my mind I was still hanging onto everything else.  Rationally I know that I cannot control anything that will or is happening in our lives but on some level in my controlling mind I hadn't given over everything to God.  When Jason was presented the opportunity to step out and be self employed I was scared to death but we prayed about it and I realized this was my time to truly give everything over to God.  Not only to walk in faith with our adoption but to also step out in faith with the rest of our lives.  What a freeing feeling it has been to let God lead!

I will admit there are some days when I feel like I don't have the strength to wait one more day to see Lauren's face and I grow weary of the 2 plus year process, but there's always that still small voice that tells me I DO have the strength to go on because The Lord renews my strength every day, every hour, every minute.  I CAN wait on Gods perfect timing because his timing is perfect.  I love The Lord my God with all my strength, with all my soul, and with all my mind.  I am walking in faith and he will see me through.

Crazy Busy....With Baseball.

We have gotten crazy busy in the last couple of weeks, which is a good thing to help pass the time while we wait for first approval.  Isaac's baseball team has practiced 3 times a week all winter.  It got kinda rocky for them for awhile.  The facility they were using caught on fire and burned down.  They lost most all of the baseball equipment including a brand new batting cage! It was so disappointing and they had to scramble to find a new facility to practice in.  Thankfully they did and were up and running just a few weeks later.  Their team name is Smokin' Aces because they wanted everyone to know that a fire wouldn't keep them down!  After 3 weeks of rain outs in the Spring league the games finally started last week and this past weekend we were in Branson for a tournament.  The boys played great!  They won the Championship and went undefeated all weekend!  It was good to see their hard work all winter paid off.

There's nothing like watching your child succeed along with all his friends!  After they received their trophies and we took a million pictures we all went to celebrate with dinner and ice cream.  The boys ate outside and us old folks stayed inside.  I didn't think I could be anymore proud of our boys that day until Jason hit me on the shoulder to look outside, and this is what we saw.....

the boys had their heads bowed in prayer.  Thanking God for the good baseball they had played and for their food.  I scrambled as quickly as I could to grab my camera and get a picture before they finished.  I stood inside the restaurant fighting tears and said my own prayer of thanks.

As a side note the boys found out that USSSA has ranked them as a AAA team!!!!!

We are so ready for Lauren to come home so she can spend the summer watching her big brother play baseball!  We already have a Smokin' Aces shirt hanging in her closet and now she has some bling to wear with it!  Aunt Kayla had this bow custom made!!  Don't you just love it!!!!

Care Packages...

I just mailed off care package number 4 today after school, hopefully it will be the last one we send.  I'm hoping that we'll be traveling to bring her home by the next time we can send one.  I realize that I haven't kept up with posting pictures of the rest of the packages we've sent except for the first one.  So, I will give a quick recap.....

Care package #2...I had to take the book out because it weighed too much, we sent a new photo book that had Aunts, Uncles and cousins and more of us, 2 outfits, a shlumpie and a camera...

 Care package #3...we sent a recordable book.  We each took turns reading a page...

Care package #4...they have cracked down on the amount of gift items we can send.  It's only supposed to be one, but who can send a little purse with nothing in it?!  I snuck  a package of stickers and some little plastic bracelets inside  her purse! If they take them out that's ok but I had to try.  I also wrote a note to Lauren to tell her how ready we are to meet her and how much we love her and of course another camera...

2 Years and Counting.....

I have been doing some reflecting lately  since our 2 year mark is coming up in a few days, April 15 to be exact! What?!  2 years already!?  I can still remember the nervous excitement I felt on the day I dropped the Holt application into the mailbox!  Time has seemed to both fly and crawl at a snails pace all at the same time.  I never realized the amount of patience you have to have to go through this process and it seems like every time I think I can't possibly wait any longer God shows me differently.  It's amazing the strength he gives us and what we are truly capable of with his strength!

As we approach the two year mark on our adoption journey I have been thinking about where we were last year, or even two years ago.  When we started our journey we knew so little about the steps we were about to take, but we stepped out in faith knowing that God had a plan. We still firmly believe that today, and  I can see how important the waiting is.  It has been a time that God is molding and preparing us to  be ready to take on the responsibility of parenting an adopted child.  I feel so honored that God has called us to adoption and that he is allowing our family to grow in this way.  I feel like the luckiest mom in the world that  I am getting to experencie motherhood through a biological birth and a child that has grown in my heart through adoption!  As I have thought about the last year I realize we have endured many trials, but I know that we have grown stronger from it.

We have spent our time waiting by going between obsessing about every detail of the adoption to trying to have distractions, things to keep us busy so we don't obsess!  In the last two years we have had some good healthy distractions like planning fundraiser's, attending Winter Jam, spending time with family, and building our house.  Building can be stressful, but it kept our minds busy and helped pass the time.  Now we are fast approaching the one year mark of living in our new house, May to be exact.  We love our new home and I have spent the last year trying to decorate and furnish it.  It has been a slow process, especially when there's not a lot of extra money to do it with because everything has been going into our adoption fund.  I have learned to love a good thrift store deal and that is how I've gotten most of the stuff for our home.  Who knew we would spend all kinds of money building a new home just to furnish it with old stuff!  I love it and it reflects our taste exactly!  I love to find beauty in things that are old or not any good to someone else.  It reminds me of Gods love for us.  He sees past all the muck and grime and sees us for what we could be with his grace and love.  

As we draw nearer to the final part of our wait to bring Lauren home I find myself being distracted by things that are not good and positive.  The last few months have definitely been a trial for us.  We went from worrying about Jason's job, which turned out fine, to experiencing something that I never have before.  My best friend told lies about me to others.  I hate to say it so bluntly, but there's really no other way to say it.   I went from angry and confused to just sad.  I tried to have grace and not speak about it because I didn't want to add fuel to the fire, but then it just started feeling like people were believing what was being said.  It's very hard to not chase the fires and try to put them out.  If you've ever been through something like that you'll know what I'm talking about. Through these trials I've come to realize that when trying to stay in the will of God that Satan can and will attack where it hurts the most.  I have relied on the people closest to me, that love me, and they have given me tremendous support.  I only share this now because a few days ago Jason and I were talking about the negative turn things have taken the last few months and how we don't feel focused on the right things. It's crazy how you can take your eye off the things important for one second and the devil swoops in to try and destroy things.  It also hasn't helped that I just finished my fourth round of antibiotics for a sinus infection since January.  If I get sick again they will do a CT scan to check for a sinus blockage. I don't have time for a surgery right now so I am praying for complete healing!  Anyway, with all those negative things its been easy to get carried away in the wrong direction!  However, I have taken a hard look at things the last few days and realized this sort of distraction is not what God would want. I need to be focused on our adoption and preparing for our daughter to come home.  It's time to get rid of the baggage and negativity.

On  April 6th it will be 7 months since we received our referral.  We are entering the "first approval anytime" phase.  How exciting!  We are anxiously awaiting approval so we can go get Lauren!  I know this next bit may sound crazy, but when we got our referral and I found out Lauren's birthday is in July I started praying for God to allow us to travel in June or first of July.  I want to be with her for her 2nd birthday.  I know it's not looking good for that to be a reality considering the delays, but I still have unending faith that with God it is still possible.  Only time will tell what God's will is for us and in the mean time we will continue to focus on what's important, pray, and wait.