Changing blogs

I am switching blogs while we travel.  I need to password protect our updates while we are traveling and frankly it's easier to do it on wordpress.  So, if you would like to follow along its ourfamilythais.wordpress.com, message me for the password and I will be happy to share it!

We're Going To Thailand!!!!

Finally, the news we have been waiting for has arrived!  We found out Monday that we are scheduled for the November 20 meeting date.  That only gives us 2 weeks before we leave!  2 WEEKS!!!!!
We have been waiting for so long it started to feel like we would just continue to wait forever.  It feels really exciting and scary to actually be booking flights and hotels!  Yay!!!  The past two days have been stressful trying to get reservations and details worked out.  We finally have our flights and hotels booked (we are leaving November 13) and for the first time today I was able to just think about Lauren and the fact that in just a couple weeks our family will finally be together.  Wow.  I cannot even imagine how it will feel to see her precious face in real life, to see my 2 children together, and us as a family of 4.  Speechless.  I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last couple days and all day when I started to feel anxiety or stressed I was singing this song.  We sing this at our church and I LOVE it.  Please give it a listen...I gotta go!  I've got a thousand things to do!!!



http://www.youtube.com/v/3Cp6F2orRYo?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=MXFr6Lqf2rEwVqC08XqaUQ&autoplay=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share

1 step forward 2 steps back

I just realized that I haven't posted about our progress, or lack of progress.  Well, it is progress but some days I feel like we are as far away from traveling as ever.  One thing I've learned in this process is to never count my chickens because there's always something else that can go wrong.  I'm not complaining or being negative but just being real.  Every single step of our adoption, except for one so far, has been the longest estimated wait time.  Every time we take another step I breath a sigh of relief and pray we are finished with delays but then something else happens to hold us up.  Let me fill you in...

September 6 - the one year anniversary of our referral of Lauren we finally got the call that we received first approval at the September 4 meeting!  Yay!!

September 9-  received word our article 16 came!  Double yay!!  (This is the one thing that came sooner than expected)

September 10-  article 16 delivered to our house

September 12-  mailed I-800 application to the drop box and sent the visa packet along with a care package to Holt (Jason took care of this for me because I have major anxiety when going to the post office, don't ask it's too tramitizing to explain)

-Sigh of relief and hope that we will sail through to travel-

September 13-  I-800 arrived at the drop box in Texas

September 27-  received a call from Holt telling us that USCIS has to send us a RFE (request for evidence) letter.  Commence the tears!!!  It's all because our home study said we were approved for a child 0-24 months and by the time we finally got first approval Lauren was over 24 months.  If the home study would have said 0-2 years it would have been fine.  Grrrrrrr!  Now we have to wait for a new home study to be mailed to us then we have to file a supplement 3 and send a $360 check.  Beyond the money and extra paperwork we are wasting time!  At this point one day delay is more than I can handle!  The positive thing is the Thai director doesn't think it will delay us much in travel.  Of course at this point I am thinking of all the ways that we can possibly be delayed with the rest of this process.....like a government shut down!!!!!

I feel like I'm getting good at being disappointed and learning to handle it with grace.  I sometimes find myself asking why it has been so hard for us to complete our family.  I know the wait and pain now will be worth it in the end, but in this moment it is so hard.  I have cried more tears in the last few months than I think I have in my entire life.  I don't even get mad when the delays come now it's just sadness.   If I think about having to file this extra paperwork for too long I get knots in my stomach and feel sick and not to mention the government shut down that is looming.  I trust Gods plan and his time but oh how it hurts my heart...

The Grass Isn't Any Greener...And You Still Have to Mow It!

The "grass is greener" proverb is used quite frequently when it comes to married vs. single life.  For some reason I have been more aware of this topic in the last few weeks.  I don't know why because divorce has become such the norm for society  you would think I would be desensitized to it by now.  I have experienced divorce in my own extended family multiple times so you would think that it would be no big deal to me...but it is.  I know divorce is a sensitive topic and there aren't many of us out there that it hasn't affected.  I am reluctant to even write about it because of that very fact.  

It is not God's plan for people to divorce.  I know there are valid reasons to and I am not speaking about those people.  I don't feel anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, or stay with a spouse that cannot,  excuse me, will not be faithful.  And what is there to do when your spouse is just finished and wants out no matter how you feel???  You fight for your marriage but can't make them stay and before you know it you are a divorcee. 

I am talking about the ones who just quit, walk away, give up.  The ones who think it would be easier to be apart than together.  The ones who don't want to do the work that it takes to make a marriage work because it would be "easier" to start over with someone new.   I am talking to you.  Divorce does not just affect you and your spouse.  Whether you like it or not it affects your children (no matter their age), your parent's, friends....EVERYONE!  I have noticed one common denominator when someone walks away from a marriage, a hardened heart.  Why?  Because you have to harden your heart to do what you are about to do to the ones you love the most.

This started weighing on my heart a few weeks ago when I read a post about divorced parents being proud that they could be together at a special event and get along for their child.  Don't get me wrong that is great, but the thought that was in my head was why didn't you fight harder to save your family?   I would stand up and clap if someone would say we were on the verge of divorce and we went to counseling, or got back into church, or worked hard to find the love we lost, and we have saved our marriage.  Don't you think that's what your kids truly want?  Parent's who love each other and fought to stay together.  Wouldn't that make everyone the happiest?  Not, my parents are divorced but they can be in the same room for my birthday party and not fight.  Or when I overheard a woman, who is separated from her husband, say to her child "what's wrong?"  I wanted to scream at her "What do you think is wrong!?!  His parents are separated and you expect him to act like life is great!"

I hope my mom doesn't mind that I share this story but my parents divorced when I was 28ish years old.  I know the pain it feels as an adult, I can't imagine the pain I would have felt as a child.  I watched my dad walk away from a 30 year marriage.  He just quit.  He walked away at a time that my mom was recovering from an 8 month illness.  It was to the point that I was preparing myself to lose my mom.  I thought she was going to die.  All the doctors who treated her thought she had cancer that they just couldn't find.   Before she got sick she weighed 130ish pounds and when she was released from the hospital she was 94 pounds.  She was wearing a little girls size 12 clothes.  My dad chose at that time to just walk away.  You know how he did it?  He hardened his heart and he turned away from God.  The devastation has a ripple effect, even though the one causing the pain refuses to believe it. 

My heart hurts for the families that are on the verge of making a huge mistake and throwing away everything they have spent so many years building.  I think I am so acutely aware of the ending of families recently because we have spent so many years and so much money just to complete ours. We have fought hard and there were times we wanted to give up but we haven't and we won't.   We are on the verge of completing our family and I am watching others just throw theirs away.

Last night Jason and I had a date night because Isaac went to a birthday sleepover.  We saw a dear friend, who within the last year lost his beloved wife to cancer, out to eat with his granddaughter.  I flippantly said "we were having a date night, dinner and going home to watch a movie, that's what our dates consist of"  like it didn't mean anything or wasn't good enough.  The moment the words came out of my mouth I regretted it.  I felt I could read his thoughts with the look he had on his face.  I knew he would give anything to have one more of those nights with his wife. 

The last few weeks have made me more aware of my own relationship with Jason.  I need to nurture it and be thankful for it and treat each and every day as if it were our last.  We are all guilty of taking things for granted at some point in our lives.  Spouses, children...people who we love.

The school where I work I see on a daily basis children who are neglected by their parents.  We take them to the nurse for clean socks, give them hugs, and nurture them as much as possible for the 7 hours a day that we are with them.  You never hear about those people dealing with infertility do you?  I know the pain of watching people who don't care for their children the way they should continuely have them and you can't. 

I'm sure I'm not overstepping when I speak for the ones who have lost their spouses, dealt with infertility, or endured the waiting, financial struggle and sacrifice to grow their family through adoption...don't quit, don't take your children or your spouse for granted!  Love them like there's no tomorrow!

A Watched Pot Doesn't Boil and Pit Happens!

"Pit Happens". That was the title of a message at church a couple Sunday's ago.  We are doing a series on Joseph, which I have absolutely loved, and the "Pit Happens" message was about Joseph being thrown in the pit by his brothers, but God still had his hand on Joseph and a plan for his life.  Joseph didn't give up even when things got bad.  Well, that's at least what I took from the message.  By the way, I feel like every message the last few Sunday's was preached just for me.   Right now I feel like I am in my own pit, I'm ready to get out of the pit but The Lord has me right where he wants me, for now.  It has taken me awhile to realize this, but even though I'm in the pit God's hand is still on me and I have favor with him.  Let me explain a bit about how I've been feeling.  I really hate to share this publicly because only the people closest to me know and frankly I would prefer to keep it that way, but in order to understand what I have to say I need to share.

I have been struggling.  I have been a mess emotionally and spiritually.  I am so weary and frustrated of waiting for first approval.  It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I have cried more in the last few weeks than my whole life.  I haven't felt very gracious either.  I struggle to be happy for others who are getting good news and I know it's wrong.  My mind has been so full of thoughts and worst case senerios that I actually prayed for God to just shut all of my thoughts off!  I have tried to focus and keep my mind from wondering but until today I have been unsuccessful.  I feel like we have been watching the pot and waiting for it to boil by living from one DSDW meeting to the next.  Holding our breaths and trying to will it to happen and finally coming to the conclusion it's never going to!  The frustration is so great you would like to just give up to be rid of the pain but you know that would never be an option because there's a little girl that needs a family half a world away and there's a family that needs their little girl before they can feel complete.  Oh, we are continuing to live.  We go to football practice, church, baseball games and family dinners.  We go to the races and cheer on my cousin.  We put on our happy faces but even when we are laughing and having a good time there's still that pain in our hearts and that thought that someone is missing.  This has been the reality we have lived in for too long.  I have begged and pleaded with God to make it happen, thrown myself on the alter and poured my heart out. All in the hopes that I could gain some peace and understanding.  The truth is I may never understand why this adoption is taking so long.

Sometimes you grow so weary you start to question that if what your doing is really what God wanted for your life.  Sunday at church I was so emotional I couldn't sing, I could barely stand and the tears wouldn't stop.  All I could pray to God was for him to hold me up and give me strength to keep standing.  I could feel his embrace and even though I was so broken I knew he was with me.  Even though I couldn't sing the words for crying, my heart was singing his praise.  I have prayed so much lately it felt like I was in constant prayer.  While I'm driving, eating, washing dishes, but I felt like I wasn't in devoted prayer time.  So, last night I went to my closet and got on my knees and prayed for strength, grace and a peace filled heart.

I have been reading a book that I borrowed from my uncle David, who is a preacher, called "Not A Fan".  He told me about this book several months ago and I had kind of forgotten about it.  I happened to be out of reading material and remembered this book.  So, I borrowed it and have been reading.  I have enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone.  I decided I would try to finish it tonight so I took it with me to Isaac's football practice.   I hadn't even read half a page when The Lord spoke so clearly to me.  The chapter was talking about how we have to die daily.....what does it look like to die daily?  That's what I was asking myself.  I mean I've been in church my whole life and I've always heard that phrase but what does it really mean?  The very next paragraph I read starts out  with the question "What does it look like to die daily?"  This is what it went on to say..." Dying to yourself may mean walking by that empty room in your house and asking God if there is an orphan child in another country that should be sleeping in that bed."  What!?!  I about dropped the book!  The chapter ends with the suggestion to pause and think of ways that you can carry a cross and die daily.  Everything fell into perspective in that moment. Adoption is the cross we have been called to carry and I will do it gladly and with joy in my heart.  It is not all about me and what I want but about Gods plan and I will wait for it!  So, I continue reading...

The next chapter talks about following Jesus, wherever, whenever.  It talks about the end of Luke chapter nine where Jesus meets a "fan".  A man tells Jesus he will follow him wherever he goes.  Jesus replies "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son on Man has no place to lay his head."  We're left with the impression that the man quickly rescinds his offer.  When we say we want to be a follower of Jesus we need to be prepared to follow him "wherever".  The chapter goes on to say..."Wherever?  What about at the game?  What about in the neighborhood?  What about when you're back home with old friends?  Or what about this, what if God points to a place like Burma or Thailand and says, What about there?"  Talk about a punch in the gut!  This time I had to lay the book down and let it all soak in.  I felt God clearly had me read those words at a time when I needed reassurance that I was doing what he wanted me to do.  I don't want to just be a fan of Jesus I want to be a follower. WOW!  I was speechless.

So, let me end with this...I have answered God's call to bring home an orphan from Thailand to complete our family.  However long it takes, however much the cost, I will conduct myself with grace and faith and continue to wait on God's perfect timing.  I will pray on my knees daily for strength that only God can supply. I will follow him wherever he takes me.   My name is Angie Ledbetter and I am not a fan!

11 Months and Counting....

Today marks 11 months of waiting for first approval...11 of the longest months of my life.  This waiting is getting very, very hard.  I'm asking for anyone who reads this to please say a prayer or two for us and another family that also received their referral in September.  In a few hours DSDW will be meeting in Thailand and we are praying for first approval this time.  I know the trend has been every other meeting for a family or families to get first approval.  There were three at the last meeting so I am trying not to get my hopes up, but how can you not?  I have prayed a lot already today and am trying to stay calm and in control of my thoughts and emotions, but I know the disappointment will be great if we don't.  I have been running on God's strength alone for the last 3 weeks already so I also ask for prayers that if we don't receive first approval at this meeting that I have continued strength until we do.

Blessed and Blessed Again...

Wow!  What a week it has been!  The Lord has been so good to us this week.  We were fortunate enough to be the featured family on Give1Save1 Asia.  If you are a FB friend I didn't need to tell you that and I'm sure by now you are sick of seeing the link.  Haha...  I am so thankful for all the friends, family and strangers that donated money this week.  We ended with $516.00!  What a BLESSING!

Also, this week I finally started working on Lauren's bedroom.  I had planned to do it all summer and just kept putting it off.  I know why now...because this was the week I was supposed to do it.  It was very therapeutic.  I felt like I was doing something at a time when there's nothing I can do but wait and pray.

  It's not completely finished but you get the idea...I decided to get a toddler bed just in case we need to put it in our room when Lauren comes home.

Another blessing this week has been the time I have spent with the Lord.  I have felt his presence all around me and he has spoken to my heart every time I have turned around.  My mom and I went to my Sis in-law's Bible study Thursday night and the title of the study was, A Woman of Patience.....a Woman of Power.  Oh good grief!!!  That was my first thought when I heard it, but it was such a blessing to my soul!  She talked about how patience has power and the reason patience is powerful is because patient people cannot be controlled by the devil or the circumstances he brings to upset them.  Wow!  Powerful!  My sis in-law also spoke about the importance of realizing that patience is not only the ability to wait, but also how we act while we're waiting.  That point right there is the thought I have focused on since the beginning of our adoption.  I knew it would be a long wait but I wanted to wait gracefully.  I don't think I've always accomplished that but I am trying.  After the Bible study we went to Brumley to hear Jeff and Sherri Easter sing.  I love to listen to gospel music and it was good to spend quality time with my mom.  Friday night Jason and I had a very spiritual and humbling conversation with our friend after Isaac's ball game.  I love to talk with others about God and his goodness and it was a blessing to hear his testimony. Church was so good this morning.  We started a new series on Joseph, I love the story of Joseph.  Anyway, our pastor encouraged us to explore God's favor this week.  So, I thought I would start with  the Webster's Dictionary to see what the word favor means...friendly regard shown toward another especially by a superior and gracious kindness are a couple of examples.  I want to be in God's favor and  I am excited to study it this week!  Also,  Isaac brought this card home from his class.  If I understood correctly, he had to write down 2 verses and choose one to memorize.  He chose the first one...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

Then he had to write why he chose that verse on the back.  He wrote...I like it because right now our adoption is taking forever and we feel like we can't Do anything...

                                              
                                          ...Blessed.

Ledbetter Adoption Video

2 years 3 months and 4 days into our adoption was the hardest day for me yet!  That would have been last Friday when 3 out of 4 families from our September referral group got first approval and we didn't.  Before I go any further I want to say that I am very happy for those families!  I have met 2 of those families and had hoped to travel to Thailand with them.  After a conversation with my case worker who was told by the program director to call me because they knew I would be upset, I was in total meltdown.  That's when satan started whispering things in my ear like, God just doesn't love you as much as the others,  you didn't pray enough, there's still something God wants you to learn that you just aren't getting.....and on and on and on.  Talk about a low for me.  I was totally defeated and to those that saw me that day would probably agree that's how I looked.  Of course I didn't have the comfort of my home to sit and cry the rivers of tears, we were at the Sho-Me games with Isaac's baseball team in Columbia.  Thank God for big sunglasses!

Having grace and faith has been the most important thing to me in the process of this adoption and Friday I felt like I failed.  It's really hard to hear " oh, your file was probably next on the pile and they just ran out of time."  But they don't know if that was the case, we should be next but its obvious they don't go in order so there's no comfort in that hope.  There's not even comfort with the thought that we will get first approval at the next meeting because it has been the trend to not approve anyone after a meeting where they did.  To top it off meetings are twice a month, usually every other week but not the next one, its not for 3 weeks!   Ahhhhhhhh!

 I hate to sound so negative and dreaded writing this post, I even begged my husband to write it for me, but I feel it's important to document the good and the bad. I pray that one day I will look back at this day and see Gods goodness in his plan and understand that it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have struggled the last few days to find renewed strength and a positive attitude but honestly it hasn't come as quickly as I hoped it would. Then last night I read these verses in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 …⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My cousin wrote this to me yesterday... Praying for strength for you today. It's okay to have days of weakness, don't let anyone tell you any different. That's the days when the Lord does his best work. Because then we finally step out of His way. ((Hugs)) to you today.

On Friday when I was so upset I told God that he had pushed me too far and that I don't have the strength or grace to go on, but I cannot live by how I "feel" I have to live by the promise's God has given me in his word.  God says his grace is sufficient, that doesn't necessarily mean I will feel an over abundance of grace, that means he will give me what I need and guess what?  I'm still putting one foot in front of the other!  I am human and I will feel weak but thank God I don't have to rely on myself! For when I am weak, then I am strong!

Lauren's 2nd Birthday...

July eleventh was Lauren's second birthday.  I will admit it was harder than I thought it would be to celebrate without her.  I had hoped and prayed that we would be together as a complete family by now, but God had another plan.  We are continuing to trust his plan but some days are harder than others. 

We decided to make it a positive day of celebration and not focus on the fact that we were not together.  We had a cupcake party at the park and celebrated with family and friends!  We were so thankful for everyone who came to honor this special day with us.  It was kind of strange to host a birthday party without the guest of honor but it went great!  At dark we lit Chinese lanterns in honor of Lauren.  Each family had their own lantern and they wrote notes to Lauren on them.  When the lanterns were floating up into the sky everyone started singing Happy Birthday.  It was so sweet. I am so thankful for our friends and family that came...

Isaac and my mom helped frost and decorate the cupcakes...

 

All the kids at Lauren's party, I realized much later that we were missing 3 girls from this picture and it's hard to get them all looking at the same time.

This is my Great Aunt and Uncle.  My Aunt is praying that she is still here to meet Lauren when we bring her home.  She has been battling lung cancer for awhile now.  It is my prayer too.

This is Reese.  We have decided she is going to be Lauren's best friend!

We have wonderful family and friends who got Lauren the most thoughtful and sweet gifts!  I loved all the home made cards too!  Lily, Lauren's best cousin/friend, is helping me.

Isaac cheering as the lantern lifts off!

 

 

 

Cousin Kole

 

 

 

 It was a wonderful evening and we can't wait to show Lauren the pictures one day when she is older.  She will be able to see that so many people loved her before they even knew her.  Next year her birthday will be even more special because, Lord willing, she will be home where she belongs...

Adoption Video

No news....

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated everyone on our progress.  I haven't posted because there is nothing to report.  There are delays in Thailand and the program is slowing down or grinding to a halt...I don't think that's true but it's how I feel.  I have read on numerous blogs that waiting for first approval was the hardest part of the wait and after experiencing it, I agree.

We have tried to keep ourselves busy this summer and so far we have accomplished that and had fun doing it!  We have spent a lot of time with Isaac and his baseball team.   I have come to truly value the friendships we have made with the parents on the team.  We also have been swimming although Isaac keeps having a reaction to the chemicals in the pool so he hasn't had the most fun with that.  I feel terrible for him!  He had a Dr. visit today and hopefully we have the problem figured out and it won't happen again.  We have gone to Silver Dollar City a couple of times, we love riding the rollar coasters!  And we plan on going to White Water this Saturday with my family!

Along with all our summer activities Jason has had the opportunity to purchase his own distributorship.  It was a hard decision to make because Jason has been at his job for 13 years but it was an opportunity we couldn't pass up!  So, this Friday is Jason's last day at his job and then he begins a new chapter in his career!  Wow, this was a hard one for me.  From the very first thought of adopting I have had complete faith that God would take care of us financially and in every other aspect pertaining to the adoption because I was positively sure that it is the path he wanted us to take.  Since we started the adoption process over 2 years ago I have come to realize that I was letting God have control of the adoption but in my mind I was still hanging onto everything else.  Rationally I know that I cannot control anything that will or is happening in our lives but on some level in my controlling mind I hadn't given over everything to God.  When Jason was presented the opportunity to step out and be self employed I was scared to death but we prayed about it and I realized this was my time to truly give everything over to God.  Not only to walk in faith with our adoption but to also step out in faith with the rest of our lives.  What a freeing feeling it has been to let God lead!

I will admit there are some days when I feel like I don't have the strength to wait one more day to see Lauren's face and I grow weary of the 2 plus year process, but there's always that still small voice that tells me I DO have the strength to go on because The Lord renews my strength every day, every hour, every minute.  I CAN wait on Gods perfect timing because his timing is perfect.  I love The Lord my God with all my strength, with all my soul, and with all my mind.  I am walking in faith and he will see me through.

Crazy Busy....With Baseball.

We have gotten crazy busy in the last couple of weeks, which is a good thing to help pass the time while we wait for first approval.  Isaac's baseball team has practiced 3 times a week all winter.  It got kinda rocky for them for awhile.  The facility they were using caught on fire and burned down.  They lost most all of the baseball equipment including a brand new batting cage! It was so disappointing and they had to scramble to find a new facility to practice in.  Thankfully they did and were up and running just a few weeks later.  Their team name is Smokin' Aces because they wanted everyone to know that a fire wouldn't keep them down!  After 3 weeks of rain outs in the Spring league the games finally started last week and this past weekend we were in Branson for a tournament.  The boys played great!  They won the Championship and went undefeated all weekend!  It was good to see their hard work all winter paid off.

There's nothing like watching your child succeed along with all his friends!  After they received their trophies and we took a million pictures we all went to celebrate with dinner and ice cream.  The boys ate outside and us old folks stayed inside.  I didn't think I could be anymore proud of our boys that day until Jason hit me on the shoulder to look outside, and this is what we saw.....

the boys had their heads bowed in prayer.  Thanking God for the good baseball they had played and for their food.  I scrambled as quickly as I could to grab my camera and get a picture before they finished.  I stood inside the restaurant fighting tears and said my own prayer of thanks.

As a side note the boys found out that USSSA has ranked them as a AAA team!!!!!

We are so ready for Lauren to come home so she can spend the summer watching her big brother play baseball!  We already have a Smokin' Aces shirt hanging in her closet and now she has some bling to wear with it!  Aunt Kayla had this bow custom made!!  Don't you just love it!!!!

Care Packages...

I just mailed off care package number 4 today after school, hopefully it will be the last one we send.  I'm hoping that we'll be traveling to bring her home by the next time we can send one.  I realize that I haven't kept up with posting pictures of the rest of the packages we've sent except for the first one.  So, I will give a quick recap.....

Care package #2...I had to take the book out because it weighed too much, we sent a new photo book that had Aunts, Uncles and cousins and more of us, 2 outfits, a shlumpie and a camera...

 Care package #3...we sent a recordable book.  We each took turns reading a page...

Care package #4...they have cracked down on the amount of gift items we can send.  It's only supposed to be one, but who can send a little purse with nothing in it?!  I snuck  a package of stickers and some little plastic bracelets inside  her purse! If they take them out that's ok but I had to try.  I also wrote a note to Lauren to tell her how ready we are to meet her and how much we love her and of course another camera...

2 Years and Counting.....

I have been doing some reflecting lately  since our 2 year mark is coming up in a few days, April 15 to be exact! What?!  2 years already!?  I can still remember the nervous excitement I felt on the day I dropped the Holt application into the mailbox!  Time has seemed to both fly and crawl at a snails pace all at the same time.  I never realized the amount of patience you have to have to go through this process and it seems like every time I think I can't possibly wait any longer God shows me differently.  It's amazing the strength he gives us and what we are truly capable of with his strength!

As we approach the two year mark on our adoption journey I have been thinking about where we were last year, or even two years ago.  When we started our journey we knew so little about the steps we were about to take, but we stepped out in faith knowing that God had a plan. We still firmly believe that today, and  I can see how important the waiting is.  It has been a time that God is molding and preparing us to  be ready to take on the responsibility of parenting an adopted child.  I feel so honored that God has called us to adoption and that he is allowing our family to grow in this way.  I feel like the luckiest mom in the world that  I am getting to experencie motherhood through a biological birth and a child that has grown in my heart through adoption!  As I have thought about the last year I realize we have endured many trials, but I know that we have grown stronger from it.

We have spent our time waiting by going between obsessing about every detail of the adoption to trying to have distractions, things to keep us busy so we don't obsess!  In the last two years we have had some good healthy distractions like planning fundraiser's, attending Winter Jam, spending time with family, and building our house.  Building can be stressful, but it kept our minds busy and helped pass the time.  Now we are fast approaching the one year mark of living in our new house, May to be exact.  We love our new home and I have spent the last year trying to decorate and furnish it.  It has been a slow process, especially when there's not a lot of extra money to do it with because everything has been going into our adoption fund.  I have learned to love a good thrift store deal and that is how I've gotten most of the stuff for our home.  Who knew we would spend all kinds of money building a new home just to furnish it with old stuff!  I love it and it reflects our taste exactly!  I love to find beauty in things that are old or not any good to someone else.  It reminds me of Gods love for us.  He sees past all the muck and grime and sees us for what we could be with his grace and love.  

As we draw nearer to the final part of our wait to bring Lauren home I find myself being distracted by things that are not good and positive.  The last few months have definitely been a trial for us.  We went from worrying about Jason's job, which turned out fine, to experiencing something that I never have before.  My best friend told lies about me to others.  I hate to say it so bluntly, but there's really no other way to say it.   I went from angry and confused to just sad.  I tried to have grace and not speak about it because I didn't want to add fuel to the fire, but then it just started feeling like people were believing what was being said.  It's very hard to not chase the fires and try to put them out.  If you've ever been through something like that you'll know what I'm talking about. Through these trials I've come to realize that when trying to stay in the will of God that Satan can and will attack where it hurts the most.  I have relied on the people closest to me, that love me, and they have given me tremendous support.  I only share this now because a few days ago Jason and I were talking about the negative turn things have taken the last few months and how we don't feel focused on the right things. It's crazy how you can take your eye off the things important for one second and the devil swoops in to try and destroy things.  It also hasn't helped that I just finished my fourth round of antibiotics for a sinus infection since January.  If I get sick again they will do a CT scan to check for a sinus blockage. I don't have time for a surgery right now so I am praying for complete healing!  Anyway, with all those negative things its been easy to get carried away in the wrong direction!  However, I have taken a hard look at things the last few days and realized this sort of distraction is not what God would want. I need to be focused on our adoption and preparing for our daughter to come home.  It's time to get rid of the baggage and negativity.

On  April 6th it will be 7 months since we received our referral.  We are entering the "first approval anytime" phase.  How exciting!  We are anxiously awaiting approval so we can go get Lauren!  I know this next bit may sound crazy, but when we got our referral and I found out Lauren's birthday is in July I started praying for God to allow us to travel in June or first of July.  I want to be with her for her 2nd birthday.  I know it's not looking good for that to be a reality considering the delays, but I still have unending faith that with God it is still possible.  Only time will tell what God's will is for us and in the mean time we will continue to focus on what's important, pray, and wait.

Blessings...

We had a guest speaker at our church right around the new year.  She shared something that her family does every year.  They have a jar and every time God blesses them they write it on a rock and put it in the jar and at the end of the year they pour them all out and reflect on how great God has been.  I am going to find a jar and the biggest rock that will fit and I am going to write on it....SAVED JASON'S JOB!  We were so relieved and happy to find out yesterday that he was not the one to be "displaced".  That is what they call it when they eliminate your job.  I want to write down this answered prayer and reflect on it months from now because I don't want to forget.  I don't want to forget how scary it can be to know that a situation is out of your hands but also to know the comfort that only God can provide.  I was so happy when Jason text me at work to tell me the good news.  I actually asked him twice if he was sure before it really sank in.  The worrying that I struggled with over the weekend was not just about money or jobs or our financial future but mostly what  losing a job would do to the future of our adoption and that is when the real pain surfaced.  All the years that Jason and I tried to have another baby and struggled with infertility satan would tell me that I wasn't a good enough mother to parent another child, I wasn't deserving of that blessing.  He would tell me that I failed Isaac because he didn't have siblings to play with like everyone else.  Needless to say I was so thankful to God for taking care of us as he always does.  I didn't care that I was at work, I found a closet to get in and got down on my knees and praised his name!  I am so thankful that I can share the goodness of God!

This morning on the way to work I heard the song blessings by Laura Story and it touched my heart.  I have prayed for the very things she talks about in her song....blessings, peace, comfort for family and protection while we sleep, healing, for prosperity.  These next words are the ones that really pricked my heart this morning... We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.  We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love as if every promise from your word is not enough and all the while you hear each desperate plea.... Those are the words that kept me in my car outside of school crying for forgiveness this morning from all the doubting and letting satan get the best of me over the weekend.  I am so thankful that God loves me and forgives me when I let him down.  Sunday night in church they were talking about Heaven and Isaac turned to me and said "mom I just can't wait to get to Heaven".  I thought about his words when I heard these words in this song.....the pain reminds us this is not our home.

Overcoming the Fear...

Jason and I have had a rough week....God started dealing with my heart yesterday to blog about it.  Honestly, up until this morning, I kept asking God why.  Why would he want me to blog when I don't know what positive or testimonial thing I would have to say right now?  I have spent most of the week in prayer and begging to feel God's presence.  I knew he was with us but I could not feel him.  Not until this morning...

I don't usually share such personal struggles and don't necessarily feel comfortable doing it now but it's what God has told me to do.  A week ago Thursday Jason found out for the third year in a row that due to restructuring of the Company he could possibly lose his job.  THREE YEARS IN A ROW!  With little information and a "good luck" from his boss we are left to wait.  The word WAIT has truly become a 4 letter word in our house.  We are quickly approaching 2 years into our adoption not counting the 7 years we tried to have another child after Isaac.  Then you add 3 years of fearing for your job...and well you get my point.  I am so over waiting!  The past couple of days I have completely been consumed with fear.  It's been an overwhelming paralyzing fear.  Jason has been at his job for 13 years but him losing his job has been one of my greatest fears.  When I was a teenager I still remember the day my mom picked me up from school and told me that my dad had lost his job.  A job that he had been at for a long time.  I watched what losing a job does to a man.   A man who was hard working and tried so hard to provide for his family.  I feel as though my dad never recovered from it and has never been the same as he was before.

The devil has done a number on me this week.  I fear for our financial future and what losing a job would do to Jason, where would he find another job, what if we lost our home, and most important what would it do to our adoption?  It's amazing how you can miss and love someone that you haven't even met.

 This morning I woke up very early with all these thoughts in my head.   I had finally had enough!  I prayed with authority for the devil to get behind me and I have finally felt God's presence today.  From the minute I got in the car and turned the radio on, to the worship songs at church, to Kelly's message, to turning the TV on after lunch and Facing the Giants was on.  God has given me so much reassurance that he is with us and he has a plan for our lives.   I told God today that I wanted his plan for our life and not my plan.  I will follow him wherever he leads us even if its down a road we don't want to go.  I told God that if it's his will for Jason to lose his job, for our adoption to be interrupted, or for us to lose everything I will still love him.   Jason and I know that we have done everything in our power that we can do and I've told God the rest is up to him.  But that is when God does his best work.  When we finally let go and stop thinking we can fix our problems and allow God the space to take care of our need.  In the words of Joyce Meyer...as long as we try to do everything ourselves, God will let us.  God won't do for you what you can do yourself.  You must do what you CAN do and then trust God to do what you can't.  Our job is to do the best we can and leave the results up to God.

I pray I have written the words that God wanted and I will leave you with our memory verse from church this morning...

Psalms 37:4-5

Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass. 

Feels like time is standing still...

I haven't made a blog post in awhile because frankly there isn't much to talk about.  We are waiting and waiting and waiting.  I feel like it's been a very methodical and deliberate wait.  We are trying not to get impatient and trying not to dwell on the time we have left to wait.  I feel like we are at the starting line of a race and just waiting for the gun to sound so we can take off.  We have already gone through the months of training and are just ready to get on with it!  We are ready to start the rest of our lives as a family of 4. 

The Thai government did make a new requirement for families in process and we had to get a psychological evaluation.  I was a little nervous about having to do it.  I was afraid that we had come this far and they would tell me that I wasn't mentally stable enough to adopt a child.  I mean after 1 year and 9 months of waiting and paper work and saving money how sane can a person be!  Thankfully I was found worthy.  I think it would be a great idea for everyone to have to under go testing and back ground checks whether your adopting or having a biological child...I think it would be interesting.

Anyway,  there has been some excitement in the adoption world.  We are fortunate to be a part of a church that has several families who have or are currently adopting.  We welcomed one of those families, the Tucker's, home from China Friday night at the airport.  Their story is one of heartache and joy and the perfect example that our plan is not God's plan and that his plan is perfect.  They brought home not one but two precious babies!  Here is a link to their blog if you would like to read their story. http://homefullofgirls.blogspot.com/2013/01/what-else-can-you-say.html  There was also another family in our church that traveled at the same time to get their little girl in Ethiopia!  They had the same gotcha day!  What a blessing from God!!!

 We are so excited for both families but we can't help but yearn for our little girl to be home too.  It has made the waiting even harder seeing 3 kiddos come home and ours still so far away.   We took the Tucker's lunch Sunday after church and we got to visit with them and see the kids for a little bit.  Isaac was sitting on the floor and Reese (the Tucker's new daughter who is just 3 months older than Lauren) reached out her arms to Isaac.  He picked her up and she sat on his lap for quite awhile.  It was so sweet to watch Isaac with her and think about the kind of big brother he will be.  The wait must be getting to Isaac too because he came home and expressed his feeling through his legos and built this scene...

Us with our luggage on the way to the airport...

Us on the airplane...

Us meeting Lauren for the first time...

Us as a family of 4 with Lauren!

  Honestly there are days that I just feel frustrated and get tired of waiting but every night my heart is convicted when Isaac and I say our nightly prayers and Every Single Night he thanks God that we are one day closer to bringing Lauren home.  I thank God that he gave us Isaac and he is going to be a great big brother!